November 18

My dreams were pretty foggy again. Although I didn't overeat before bed so that helped. Scott was rocking Vin around 9:00, and I don't really remember him bringing Vin into my room.

Here it goes............
I did think about my dreams while I was still laying in bed this morning.
I dreamt of a house that Scott and I shared. he was working on finishing it. I came home one day and he was changing cloths, he had lit candles and finished the back porch which was like a cascading waterfall with my plants all around and a pool with a couch like raft in it. He had just filled it so I new it was going to be freezing but I knew we were both going to get in and be romantic. Vin was occupied somewhere. . naptime? We never actually go in. AT one point we were getting ready but Scott was hanging out with Tom.....drinking. I could here Tom talking, I wasn't annoyed. We were in the garage?

All the rooms in the house were finished with bright colors, the furniture just needed to be arranged and stuff organized. But all the decorating accessories were there. There were lots of handme down toys for Vin that needed to be organized and put away. There were 3 collectore lunch boxes for him. There were lots of pretty colors.

There was some sort of threat to our safety. There were construction workers in the back. They were taking a clay like substance and breaking it up into a powder. I started helping them. I was hanging out with them because I was scared of an intruder.

Scott and I were at a bar. There was a private room. There was group of wild girls after us. Some were strippers. I was a little jealous.

Liz was in my dream, she was holding Vin. It was work related. there was a nursery. She was taking care of other kids. She , I , and my boss Peter were in a room. I was talking to her, then she vanished. She was a spirit or hologram.

I was on a scooter or walking on a path like the bikepath that goes through downtown lincoln


I can't remember very many of the details

more dreams

My dreams were not as vivid last night because I didn't get as much sleep. I stayed up uploading photos of the Vinster onto my flickr account.

I did remember a few parts of my dream. I put my Greek Gods empty yougurt under my bedside stand in hopes to suggest that into my dreams. It was a last minutes thought though after stuffing myself with chocolate rice cakes, plain yogurt, and peanut butter. It was an excellent combination. I was even thinking to myself that I should start a "health food restauraunt". Yeah right, just what I need.

Anyway the main thing I remember dreaming about was my brown size 12 pants. I was planning on wearing them today, and they were still in the dryer so of course they were on my mind.

I was trying to make it to a doctors appointment. Andrea and some of my support group girls were going to go with me, only I was running late. So they were all going to go first and I would come later. I was going for something related to my ED. I was late and I was throwing cloths around trying to find something to wear.

Part of the dream was Scott and I together in a tent. We were making love. I know that had to be because he laid down with Vin and I for awhile last night.

I see a glimpse of Vins daycare group being led from one house to another. I was laying on the ground with a baby just relaxing, watching this group. The baby had to be Vin, but didn't really register with me. We were excluded from the group for some reason but it was no big deal. There was a cluster of houses. The people in the group were not actually Mama Lynn and kids, just nameless people.


Everything was really hazy last night, it was not a good nights sleep, but I stayed up late & got a chance to upload some of Vins photos to my flickr account. I am so thankful to Scott for taking and organizing so many pictures of the Vinster. I love you Scott.

Dreams

I started reading Concious Dreaming by Robert Moss. I think I am really on to something interesting. All I know right now is that I need to jot down some notes about my dreams last night.

I dreamed about Becky Hundley Wittwer. She was doing aerobics in front of her house with some friends. I joined them. They were in better shape then I was. She lived in about the same area where she truly does live in Falls City but she was right next to the highway going west from FC. We ended up going inside. I was jealous of her friendships with these local Falls Citians. Somehow there was an image of a horse that made one of her friends really sad. She started crying. I told a story of how I used to pet the horses on my road everyday and how wonderful horses are. I felt my story was inefective in comforting Becky's friend as I was trying to do. Her horses were stolen or abducted or something and she didn't know how to get them back. Then Becky's husband came in the room and I think hugged her.

At one point in my dream the outdoors aeorbics session evolved into a party. They had a huge backyard and there were Falls citians standing all around Becky's house, the front, the side, the back, and the neighbors yard. People were gathering for some kind of event, maybe a music performance. There were many people I knew, and they were all saying hi to me. I felt really good and a part of the group. Wendy Krietzer, Haley from 4star, those are the two I remember. The whole time I was waiting and searching for my Tim to show up. He never did. But I was excited to be in his neighborhood.

there was another transition. At some point in the dream I left Vin to go to Becky's house quickly. FOr soem reason I put him in a duffle bag, I thought I would be back shortly. While I was standing around at her party, I remembered where Vin was and I felt paniced. I race home, I thought he would be dead but he wasn't.


Part of the dream was about the seperation of my mom and dad which is a very common theme in my dreams since they were divorced. This week I realized they have never seen Vin together, weird I just realized that. It has made me think and Im sure that is what influenced this dream. There were two seperate houses, my moms and my dads. I was very worried about my mom, at one point in the dream she told me she was going to committ suicide. I was in her house helping her organize, getting it ready. This part of the dream is more vague. Then I was at my dad's house with my siblings. He had gotton holoween candy, which seemed strange because it seemed to be my moms job to do that. There was lots of candy. There was also a mysterious attic ???

In another part of the dream I was waitressing for the first time in this obscure restaurant ??? I remember the tables and clearing away trash, and waiting on families, asking them if they want dessert. I was the hostess first but that was really boring and I just started bussing the table then waitressing, I liked it.

There was a store waiting room, that was decorated for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I I was waiting there with some people , there was only one chair. I remember telling the shop owner it looked more like Valentines day then Christmas. I wanted to redecorate. I was drunk in this store for awhile and drawing smiley faces???

Somehow I got really drunk, I was drunk at the store, at my mom's house, I was with friends and ended up at Fourstar, I slept on the floor, talked to Lisa, and somehow left my cell phone there.

ONe thing that really sticks out from last night is that Becky gave my a chunk of fur, I didn't know if it came from her dog or a deer. It was meaningfulto me.

Blah Again

Another dreary day. It is dark, gloomy, and rainy outside. I just dropped my baby off at daycare about an hour ago. He looked so cute in his fuzzy flannel sleeper. Scott dug it out of the closet for him to wear for the first time. Im so happy when Scott takes an initiative with Vins clothing!

It is such an odd thing to drop off your baby for another woman to take care of all day while you go an answer phones at some office building. That is America in the 21st century for ya or whatever century we are in. I know Vin is in good hands, sometimes I think he is in better hands than my hands. It is such exhausting work taking care of a baby all day. But he is so adorable and I crave to be with him when I am not. It is amazing that in my 29 years here on earth I really learned nothing about being a mother. I had to figure it all out on my own. Much of it is instinctive, but Im sure it would have helped to have some lessons on when babies sleep and what they do. OH well Im worrying to much.

I have to get my breastfeeding method back in order. Im feeling underconfident about it again. Im worried that Im not taking good enough care of my health, and thus my milk supply is not tip top. I know I need more water, less caffine, and better nutrition. Im also trying to make sure my pump is working how it should and my routine is working how it should. Im expecting a call from a Milkworks about how my Prozac could effect my milk supply. I need to have more contact with nursing mothers!!

I talked to Andrea last night, and it kind of made me sad that she said she doesn't always feel very comfortable telling me how she is feeling. Well actually I knew that already. Im trying not to read too much into it. It is really a big step that she told me. She is really struggling to make it through her lonliness from missing Michael. It is really hard to have a long distance relationship with her because I miss seeing her. But I wasn't very good at it when she was close. I guess we are doing the best we can. The "crazy" side of me worries that Im losing out, and Ill never be able to have close relationships with people. I feel so fake sometimes. I need to keep working with Teresa through these feelings to see if I can get past some of this shit. Why do I feel like I can not be myself around other people? Why do I feel like I have to be guarded or fake when Im talking to others. Like I have to protect them. Like being myself isn't good enough?

Stuff for me to work on this week

First of all these are the notes I jotted down from the first half of group I attended:
"If you love a person enough, you can change their behavior" ????? big question mark. "If you need a certain level of love and affection, you can not compromise what you need." ???another big question mark "We (women with ED) are so fearful of being "that needy girl" and not being independent enough."

one of Teresa's favorites ....."The hardest part of success is finding someone who is truly happy for you." -Bette Midler

We talked about environmentally eating This is the exact opposite of mindful eating or intuitive eating. An example would be eating crappy because you are on vacation and it is an excuse. One way to decide if you are eating environmentally or not is to ask yourself "Could I get that food any time I want"? If not, it truly might be a special food or occasion to splurge.

Again we talked about deprogramming ourselves from thinking fullness equals sickess. Just like emptiness doesn't equal goodness.

Teresa asked Trisha how she was doing, "Trisha hasn't purged in 10 days, right Trisha?!" asked Teresa. Trisha said "right" in an unenthusiastic way. Teresa asked Christine why Trisha responed this way. Christine said Trisha was minimizing her purge-free days. Which we do so we don't let ourselves down. ??? I'd like to know more about it.

Teresa reminded us that "When you are truly happy you just don't feel like purging!"
Someone said, "Yeah but when I'm happy..........."

"yeah buts" are NEVER good.

"we get stuck on not moving forward with our goals because of the "what ifs" in life."
Teresa reminded us that "you can always tweak your goals or change your mind!"

I also saw Teresa on Saturday.

She suggested that I be listening for how other people ask others for favors or for help. If I hear phrases that I like or that I think sound good, I should try them out myself or practice using them. I was aksing her about sounding bossy versus polite versus non-confident.

She also suggest that I talk to Barb about how she deals with or has learn to trust her body. To trust that she her body will stay the same size.

Teresa gave me 4 homework assignments: (to do by my next appointment Nov 24)
1) To call my dad's friend in Kansas about career ideas in mental health
2) To research 4 different career ideas
3) To observe and document 4 more incidences where I catch myself being lighthearted and using humor
4) To identify and describe 4 of my biggest speedbumps

Blaming

I realized that I put un nessecary blame on my boyfriend Scott this weekend. This is something that I probaly do a little too often, and is a result/complication of my coping behaviors via ED. I feel ashamed/sad/nervous/uncomfortable about my social skills. When I got tired or something this weekend I started whining to him about us not hanging out with other couples. Blah Blah Blah. Mentally I put the blame on him. And I took it one step further and actually said it in words to him. Even though I have just as much ability to think of, plan, and encourage social events for me, Scott & I as a couple, and as a family with Vin. Scott actually did plan something for us this weekend. We went to the mall with another couple, it was very sweet of Scott to plan that. I don't think he was "overthinking" it as much as I do.

I found some good relationship info. on babycenter.com. About relationships after having a baby together. Here are some points I want to remember.....

HighlightsRethink your goals
List your current tasks
List your baby's needs
Begin sharing immediately
Shed traditional expectations
Make room for two experts in your house
Anticipate and communicate
Make a schedule
Consider hiring help
Take advantage of timesaving technology
Lower your standards
Reward yourselves
Remind yourself of the advantages of your dual involvement

I think "Lowering your standards" is funny. How true is that one?

Blah Blah Blog

I hadn't checked my support group blog for 2 days. I was down on blogging and swore that I wasn't going to type to much today, but I already did. I was inspired again when I saw how many girls had utilized it over the weekend. I do need to limit the number of times I check it during the day. It has become a little bit of an obsession. I do want to use me own blog, Megan's Freedom Blog, to keep track of my therapy session and support group goals and homework and insights and my own personal goals for my week.

I haven't felt inspired to blog for awhile. My ED support group blog is a little discouraging, not very many of the girls are intersted in it. But I have to be realistic....mabye they don't have as much time as I do next to a computer.

I had a little bit of the "feeling fat" anxiety this morning. I absolutley don't have any cloths. I need to buy size twelves and it is not my favorite thing to do. I put on some maternity pants that I hadn't worn for awhile, they were alittle tighter, but when I looked at my body I felt good. I just have this fear that my body will explode or blimp out. I want to buy some cloths that I feel good in. I don't get to exercise very much, and I know that I really need to because that keeps me feeling really good, and there is no chance that I can start overdoing it. I don't have time.

Vinny is my #1 past time first. I am so thankful that I am able to put him first in my life and that I can take really good care of him. And that mentally and spiritually I am at a place where I can really enjoy it and be fairly relaxed. I have been feeling pretty happy the last couple days. I caught myself singing in the car yesterday! Wow. I still feel lonely sometimes. I tend to be a loner, but I am trying to leave myself open and ready to meet and be with others. Last night I was really proud of myself. Scott had a show and his bandmates came over to load up. I was back in my bedroom nursing Vin and keeping Bela locked down. Scott and his bandmates were loud and jolly and having a good time. In the past I have been very jealous, but last night I tried to keep in mind that I won't always feel lonely. Someday I can very likely have close friends who I laugh with. I do have friends. I can have things and relationships that I want in my life. That is a vague statement, but it is sort of a new concept in my life. Versus feeling sorry for myself.

yesterday

yesterday was a good day. During dinner I realized "Wow, I've eaten alot of fruits and vegetables today!" I even bought a decaf diet coke for lunch. By dinner time, I had eaten 2 bananas, and apple, salad/herb mix with carrots, swiss chard...plus meats and carbs.

I put alot of effort into going out to meet my support group at Scooter's. I knew it was very imortant that I go. I had to bring Vin. I was proud to show him off and the girls were so sweet about him. I wish I could have focused more on the conversation but oh well that was yesterday. It was great to see so many of the girls out!

I did do some mindless eating yesterday. We had mini snickers bars in a basket at my desk. They didn't scare me or puss me over the edge, but I probaly could have done with out those extra empty calories.

Last night when I was laying in bed, my stomach felt really good. not too full or gaseous like it often does. I had a small decaf carmel latte at Scooters, then a diet root beer when I got home and a bowl of cereal. I needed to drink more water but didn't. When I was laying in bed I felt pretty content with the day. Meeting my support group girls at Scooters was a very fullfilling, satisfying way to spend my evening. I felt pretty relaxed and ready to fall asleep as I was nursing Vin to sleep. I actually thought to myself "Wow my body feels pretty good right now!" But Princess, my cat was still outside so I had to get up and call her in. It took a little bit so I grabbed a bannana, a big spoonful of peanut butter ,and a handful of giant gumballs. I don't know why I wanted this, maybe I was just thirsty or maybe I hadn't gotton enough calories during the day, or maybe I was just numbing out. Hmmmm???? Anyway I woke up feeling a little gaseous as I often do. And very stiff.

that is another story. My aching body. I haven't been able to exercise at all as much as I used to or even stretch out or do a liitle yoga. my body gets really stiff at night. Last week I had cramps in my legs one night. And then there are my soar wrists. They seem to be getting worse the last couple nights. Last night was probaly the worst ever, I thought about taking tylenol, and I ended up getting and ice pack which felt pretty good. I need to do some research on that and probaly go to the doctor eventually.

I need to focus on drinking water, getting some exercise most everday (including stretching) and figuring out a solution for my wrists. I also want to spend some time working on revising my daily checklist and going over my support group notes.

My Baby will be 5 months old tomorrow

My baby will be 5 months old tomorrw! I absolutly can not believe it. This year has been the most exciting, challenging, amazing rewarding of my life. I am so thankful that Vin is doing so well. I try so hard to embrace every moment I have with him. Being a full time working mom is tought, but there are benefits. I get to have that rush everyday after work when I get to go home and see him... my little munchkin. Today is the first time ever that I have not breastfed him on my lunchbreak. I had to take my car to get it fixed and Im without a vechicle today. So I will be away from my baby for 9 hours straight. I will miss him so much. I know he is in excellent hands. My goal this week is to stay calm with Scott. I want to make it for as long as I can without getting upset with Scott.

This week marks another milestone in my life. 5 months purge free!!

Breath

Got to get some stuff off my chest.......
I went to the store this morning before work, to pick up some Boss's Day snacks. It was a little frantic, of course I didn't plan ahead of time.
I don't really enjoy the time in the morning before work. I should because mornings can be nice times, and this is my time with Vin when he is so cute. When he wakes up he always stretches realy big. It is so cute how babies always do this. It is something that adults often forget to do in the morning because they have to rush off to work.

Then I started worrying about my milk supply. Bla Bla Bla. Im worried that I am not keeping up with Vins appetite, because Mama Lynn is feeding him a serving of formula everyday.

And on top of that I haven't been able to exercise for 3 days and my body doesn't feel good. I have days when I worry about "fat". When Im not leading a healthy balanced lifestyle I worry and my body gets stiff and sore.

Then I started worrying about me being dehydrated because I dont' drink enough water and too many caffenated beverages.

Okay now I am going to counteract all these worrisome negative thoughts with positive constructive thoughts.

I will explore thinking about mornings in a positive way and strive to make them that way. Maybe I can include some sort of stretching or morning yoga. So far I am doing a really good job for being a mother to a healthy happy 4 month old and working full time!

So far Vin has been gaining the right amount of weight and he and I have been enjoyiing nursing so it must be going well. I can talk to Mama Lynn about the amount of formual he is drinking, and I can drink more water, worrying will not help the situation.

I am being a good mom, spending time with Vin is more important than exercising right now.

Daily Checklist

Professional: our need to be productive and to support ourselves.
-capable
-ready and willing to try new things
1)Find the name of the man I met at wedding and call him regarding career in mental health counsling --THIS WEEK
2)Continue to strive to give 100% at work


Personal: our physical needs such as healthy food, water, exercise, rest, and overall physical health,
-healthy
1) strive to drink at least one more glass of water everyday
2) vitamins and effexor everyday
3) continue to pack healthy lunches vs. gas station food everyday
4) continues to include as many whole foods, grains, veggies, fruits, etc. in my diet vs. processed foods (Tv dinners, etc.)

-physically capable
1) strive to do some sort of physical activity 4-5 days a week that is stress relieving and strength building (not cleaning)

Relationships: our need to connect and interact with others-loving
-friendly
-assertive in what I want in need
-having good communication skills
-intersted in others
-appreciative of my family and friends
-has meaningful relationships and enjoys them
-respectful of others
-shares and receives from others
-pleasant to be around


Spiritual: our emotional and psychological needs, our peace of mind; our sense of purpose in life; our heart-felt dreams and goals that give us deep fulfillment as we work toward their accomplishment.-confident
-joyful -- notice my own humor or something that makes me smile everyday
-concious and active in helping the environment - continues to recycle cans, think about recycling one new material next month, notice everytime a use a plastic bottle or glass instead of a disposable drink container, USE SMALLER AMOUNTS OF TOILET PAPER, THIS MONTH, Look online for cloth diapers
-appreciative of music - once a week listen to a CD; this month buy 1 new CD for the car
-nature loving - go for walks at least twice a week; this month visit one park
-open minded - ???
-lover of learning and reading - ????
-adventurous in trying new things
-creative in being non-wasteful
-artful -- I could redecorate my bedroom this month ??
-enjoys all things asthetically pleasing -- this month finish hanging pictures of Vin
-creative
-thoughtful
-intersting and intersted in other cultures
-sensitive
-a great mommy -- start doing baby massage at least once per week with Vin & dance time once per week
-accepting of reality
-comfortable in my skin
-ready and willing to try new things
-humorous
-smart
-calm and relaxful -- Strive to do some yoga or stretching at least twice a week

My Weekend Recovery Wise

I went to my support group this weekend! It was great! It was the third time I had been there since vinster was born 4 months ago. I have finally come to terms with the fact that this is what I need in my life. I am not done learning from my counselor Teresa and my support group. Bridgit the leader of the support group is awesome! I even thought this weekend, what if I just committ to one more full year of support group every weekend and seeing Teresa about every other weekend or so and not worry at all about how much it costs. I will pay it when I can. OKay I will toy with the idea, but that is pretty much what I am committing to.

The gals in my group are getting together at a coffee shop tonight and I am going. It will be great. I will try to post some notes from group this week, or some thoughts I had. Basically the homework is to catch myself when I am caught thinking in the past or future. I thought even better if I actually catch myself when I am caught up or immersed in the present moment. I was really starting to think about in group how one's "mind body connection" happens only in the present. you can't have a connection with your body and mind if you are caught up in the past or future. Your body is in the now, the present.

A couple of other great events that happened this weekend were that Scott, Vin and I went out to eat with some friends at a great Indian restaurant the weekend called The Peacock. Yummy. And later that evening Scott, Vin, and I went and had dinner at a friends house. It was sort of a dinner party. Fun. I was so glad that I was open for all this to happen. In the past my emotions, and self doubts, and lack of positive energy wouldn't have allowed for all of this to happen in one day.

There were a few negative emotions or energys for me to be aware of this weekend. I believe Scott and I did very well this weekend. We got along well. I didn't freak out. For a couple moments, I almost started to let the messy house get to me, but I stopped myself. I am challenging myself to make it more than a week since the last time a freaked out. I know I can do it!!

I did have some food issues, nothing extreme. Amazingly on Saturday, the food was not the issue. Instead of focusing on food I focused on the people and conversations. (Anyone with a 4 month old understands how this is not 100% entirely possible) but I tried my best and was genuinily glad to see friends!! I did have a few negative feelings in this regard, self doubt, questioning myself and whether people really like me. It was like reverting to my teenage self. I replayed some of the conversations in my head. But overall the enjoyableness totally overshadowed any of the self doubts I later had. Yeah for me!

Both Friday and Sunday evenings I sort of felt obsessed with food. I almost felt scared that I wanted to start eating and eating and not stop. Tom brought a really fancy decadant fudge cake to the dinner party........I kept thinking about it all weekend. I did have a good size piece of it, and I am glad I did, I think I would have been worse off if I didn't -- unsatisfied. I managed to make it through Sunday evening drinking a couple diet sodas and popcorn and a couple tootsie pop (plus dinner) to curb my munchies.

Last night I dreamed about weight and food for the first time in along time. ( I think I even dreamed about contemplating whether I would purge or not) I actually took a moment this weekend to think about the last time I purged, the actual sensation of the vomit coming up. I often don't remember that. Teresa says I need to relate those memories to "grossness" or "disgustingness". I dreamed about binging, ice cream cakes, etc. etc. I dreamed that I was totally unsatisfied with my body. And I dreamed about a skirt/top outfit I had in middle school that I loved. I haven't thought about it since. Maybe I will touch more on this later. I know that my body image can change drastically from day to day. One day I will feel great about my body. .. thinking "Wow not bad" then the next day I will notice how it feels when my thighs rub together, and a will make a negative judgement. Thankfully the positive days totally outweigh the negative. someday I will say "wow megan, you are one hot momma".

Traits list/Core Values

loving
confident
joyful
concious and active in helping the environment
appreciative of music
nature loving
friendly
open minded
lover of learning and reading
appreciative of my family and friends
adventurous in trying new things
creative in being non-wasteful
artful
enjoys all things asthetically pleasing
creative
thoughtful
assertive in what I want in need
having good communication skills
intersting and intersted in others
intersted in other cultures
sensitive
a great mommy
accepting of reality
comfortable in my skin
respectful of others
capable
physically capable
ready and willing to try new things
shares and receives from others
has meaningful relationships and enjoys them
humorous
healthy

* this is kind of hard for me to list things, somewhere inside of me is a perfectionist saying my list is not good enough

_______________________________________________________________________________
Add ons......

smart
pleasant to be around
positive thinker (optimist)
spreads positive energy

Homework from Teresa

Give 4 examples of good commincation with Scott, especially when Im being lighthearted.

First example is about a week ago, Scott, me and Vinny were taking a walk. We were walking by this huge grain elevator next to the railroad. Scott said that he would be interested in working there because it is so close to our house. I asked, "Do you even know what that place is?" He said not really. Then I realized that I knew what is was, that it was where grain was shipped out in railroad cars. In a goofy way I said "You should know, your dad works for the Orphan Grain Train (literally he does) !" ( This is totally an inside dorky joke) But the point is I was genuinely being humorous and thought I myself was funny. I laughed a dorky laugh and Scott teased me. Then I flirtasiously fake hit him. The was the first time I was flirtasious with him in quite awhile.

"Life isn't about finding yourself, it is about creating yourself" -- George Bernard Shaw

Great Quote -- I was checking a woman's blog on recovery (http://onbulimia.blogs.com/) and saw that her most recent post began with this quote. It was so ironic to see because that is exactly what my counslor said to me this weekend, word for word. That was the main thing I got from therapy last weekend. It is a new concept for me ... deciding who I want to be.

Especially as I surf the internet, checking out people's websites, blogs, and myspace accounts I realize how individually unique everyone is. And every individual has the power and choice to be who they want to be. Each individual gets choose who their favorite musicians are and biggest influences in life are. There is no right answer. And there is no fan club. You design your myspace account for your own pure enterainment, no one really cares who you post as your favorite author. It is fun. It is fun to have your own interests and likes and dislikes. To have ownership and pride in yourself and your stuff is part of being who you want to be.

Scott was teasing me last week when we were on a walk and there was a fork in the road. I said I didn't care which way we went, he made me choose. I realized I do care.

Ten Characteristics of Successful Relationships

1) Friendship: Couples who have a strong friendship have staying power. They not only love each other but genuinely like each other as people. They enjoy hanging out together. They might even consider each other their "best friend."

2) Humor: Partners who can make each other laugh tend to be good at de-escalating conflicts when they do arise. It’s the great mood lightener. I’ve noticed the use of funny nicknames can be an indicator of great fondness for one another. The names often stem from a "you had to be there" moment from the beginning of their relationship.

3) Communication: As obvious as this may seem, many couples are not very good at it. Those who are able to openly express their feelings in an emotionally safe environment typically deal with situations as they come up and avoid burying frustrations which always have a way of coming out at some point.

4) Chore Sharing: Those who divvy up the household or parenting responsibilities - in a way that is mutually agreed upon way are less likely to hold resentments about what they perceive as "unfair." Each participates (albeit maybe begrudgingly) and both contribute to the relationship in this way.

5) Sexual Intimacy: Couples who have their sexual needs met or at least have negotiated a reasonable compromise if their levels of need aren’t compatible, feel taken care of by the other. Some are highly active, engaging in lovemaking multiple times a week and others are content with far less. There is no "right" or "wrong" amount. However, often times a negotiation is needed to make sure no one feels neglected by the other.

6) Affection: Partners who stay in physical contact in some way throughout the day have appeared to be the happiest ones. These moments don’t need to necessarily lead to sexual intimacy but are rather easy ways to say, "I love you," without the words. These moments can be invaluable, especially these days when everyone seems to be racing around to get "somewhere." Whether it’s a hug, kiss, swat on the rear, tussle of the hair or a sit on the lap, these acts of affection keep couples connected when life gets crazy.

7) No "Horsemen of the Apocalypse:" This is a term coined by a famous couples researcher named John Gottman (www.gottman.com) who claims to be able to predict divorce with incredible accuracy. His "four horsemen of the apocalypse" are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. His research has shown that couples who demonstrate a high level of these in their relationships are in big trouble.

8) Mutual and Separate Friends: Partners who socialize with other couples and also maintain separate friendships have greater balance in regards to honoring themselves as individuals, within the relationship. This leads to more self satisfaction which translates to relationship satisfaction.

9) Reliability: Most of us want follow-through with our friendships and our partners. If couples do what they say and say what they do, they create an atmosphere of comfort in knowing their words mean something to the other.

10) Relationship Vision: It’s interesting the number of couples I’ve seen who don’t seem to have the big picture of their relationship in mind. Where do they see themselves in ten year? What are their relationship goals? Couples who have created a relationship vision for themselves know where they’re going as they’ve planned it together. They get joy out of reaching for their goals as a team and are less likely to be derailed by surprises down the line.

Pumping and Breastfeeding and Hair Loss

I lost about 15 or 20 hairs in the shower this morning. Everytime I run my hand through my hair several hairs come out. It is amazing I still have any left. I have heard other people talk about changes in their hair after having a baby. My theory is that all my nutrition is going to my breastmilk and not my hair. I know some girls with anorexia lose hair, man that would be scary. I never experienced any hair loss at all during my 10+ years with bulimlia.

I have been sick this month. First with an earache, now I have a cold. This is one of the hardest times of my life being sick with a 4 month old and working full time. It is also one of the most joyous times. Vin is the light of my life. It is very hard maintaining good nutrition. I do all of the grocery shopping for myself and cooking. Scott does his own. A couple times a week he grills chicken for me. Vin goes to daycare everyday. I pump milk for him in the afternoon. This gives him one serving of breastmilk to have at daycare, then I breastfeed him on my lunchbreak, and he gets another serving or so of formula. I sometimes feel sad or guilty that he has to have some formula, but I am doing the best I can. I really don't think it is too big of a deal. but I am a little worried that the volume of milk I pump will not increase if I dont' increase the time that I pump at work. Worry, worry, worry........I try not to worry. Life is too short to worry. I greatly look forward to the weekends so I can breastfeed Vin for 48 hours straight. I really love breastfeeding. It is amazing to have your little baby suckling at your breast cooing and making all kinds of cute noises. now he is starting to play around while he eats. He is sooo cute!

Dreams

Man I have been dreaming alot lately. Or should I say my dreams are very vivid and I have been remembering them well. I have had a cold so I have been sleeping a little bit more, maybe that is contributing to my dreams. I remember last night being pretty crazy. I laid down at about 6 with Vin and we slept together for a couple hours then Scott watched him while I slept more, I pretty much slept all evening. My dreams seemed kind of foggy until this morning I was reading my Britney Spears web gossip page and read how she was returning from NYC to Los Angelos and the paparozzi in LA said she looked like Mother Teresa because she was wearing a shawl over her head. Then I remembered I dreamt about mother Teresa last night. She had a mansion in a rich Jewish neighborhood. She was supposedly dying but looked pretty healthy in my dream. She was a midget and had some kind of device that helped her squirm around on the ground really fast. She was almost like a mermaid. She wore very fancy ornate outfits with lots of gold jewelry and accents. She had a really thick make up like mask. At one point she dove into her gilded swimming pool and started doing the back stroke. Very strange, it almost seems like I saw something about her on TV this week but I don't remember. It was very ironic to see Britney descrived as mother Teresa the morning after my dream.

Also part of my dream that was a little more serious........ was about my "mother in law". First I was at a recovery/educational support group in a hospital. I was recovering from some surgery, I think after getting my appendix out. My mom was with me. Later I was at a store with my mother in law. I was carrying Vin. My mother in law and I were going to have lunch together. Her blood sugar started getting really low (she has diabetes) and we were trying to decide where to go. there was some confusion, she got really sick. She wanted to carry Vin and drive to the restauraunt. I told her "no" that is not safe. I told her just to go. And she sped of in her truck with the passenger side door open. She had some sort of accident and there was lots of chaos and worry.

Finallly Inspired to Blog Again

Man I have had a blogging lull. I just couldn't decide what I wanted to blog about -- what theme I wanted to follow. Actually I had some "actual work" to do at work so I didn't have alot of time to blog.
I really want to keep a record of my dreams. I have been having some crazy ones lately. I think it would be cool to keep track of them in some kind of formal manner.
The other items I really want to document are my recovery from bulimia, being a new mom, and psychology in general. Oh and also my day to day life.

Black and White Thinking

The opposite of black and white thinking is "staying in the gray". This means avoiding extreme thinking. I just realized last night that "staying in the gray" area pretty much is the same as being open -minded or not making any extreme judgements or opionions one way or the other. IT is trying to see both sides of a belief or judgement. Keeping your mind open to all ideas or thoughts or beliefs. This has to take practice. Somehow I have gotton into the practice of thinking in extremes. Another thinking error that this is closely related to is "all or nothing" thinking.

More later - back to folding newsletters!

September 16

Not much to write about today. I am in a trance from folding newsletters. I have been working on them all day at work. I can't wait to go home and see Vinny, he was so cute today at lunch. He smiles at me when he is taking a break from nursing.

I am trying to think of what thinking errors I might be apt to use this week but my mind is kind of in a fog. Specifically I am supposed to think about "Black and white" thinking. Or think of ways I can stay more in the gray area.

I guess one way would be for when I think Scott is not paying attention to me or doesn't care is for me to remember that he could be tired or maybe he is more quiet of a person than I really thought. I shouldn't automatically think "He doesn't love me" or "We are not right for each other".

Blog #2

Hello

I haved loved blogging on my support groups blog so much this year that I decided to start my own personal blog. It is a great way for me to keep a journal without handwriting. I really wanted to start a journal so I can document Vinny's first year of life. I have alot to learn about blogging, I think it is fun and I have spare time at my computer at work. I will have to decide and figure out if I want to make it public or not ?