10 characteristics of a healthy relationship

trust
kindness/compassion
openness/ sharing
affection/nurturance
respect
unconditionality
positive /hopeful
acceptance
flexibility

Blogging Again at least for Today

GOD ITS BEEN AWHILE. I so love the idea of having a blog. I want a leas some sort of records of Vin's childhood and my life. I guess anything is better than none.

I am going to try again.. I will focus on Vin & my recovery.

Vin is doing so wonderful. He took his first steps at our house last week. The little stinker took some at Mamma Lynn's already but that how it goes. When he took his first steps in front of Scott and I, he stood up in the middle of the floor, butt first and took 3 or 4 steps towards Scott. I shreiked I was estatic!! We had been waiting so long. Vin is 17 & a half months old. Only like 1% of babies in his age group have not walked. But I wasn't too worried he is so smart and cute and so mobile. Scaling the couch, speed crawling, climbing furniture, shimmying from chair to chair are all easy for him. I just couldn't wait for him to walk. Every day he does it a little more and more. now he will walk places with us holding one of our hands.

this morning he was eating breakfast on the drum Scott gave him. Big Bird was sitting with him on his little chair. Vin decided he wanted to give Big Bird to me and off he went, walking while holding Big Bird. I was enthralled and so proud. My love for Vin keeps growing and growing. I will never cease to be amazed by what he can do. He makes my life so wonderful.

As far as recovery....... I am still committed 100%. I relapsed twice in the last two months. But that doesn't shake me. I have found Pema Chodran.... buddhism. She helps me. She tells the truth that I have been looking for. I posted on the Unite blog, maybe I will be able to connect with some of the girls maybe not. It is a part of my life that will never forget and I don't want to.

Little Vin

Vin was a cutie this morning as usual.

Last night he had a really good time exploring and playing in his room. First he crawled in and was looking in the full length mirror that was sitting on the floor. He loves looking at himself and touching the mirror. Then he crawled over to his basket of toys and was pulling out each toy one by one, looking to see what was all in the basket. He was really interested in the little boards that Andrea drew a snail and a ladybug on. Then I rolled him his big ball that Scott picked out for him. He was interested in it and sat with it between his legs beating it.

Earlier in my room he was hitting my guitar and its strings. He is very interested in it.

This morning he got a kick out of me when I was mimicking the little screams and screeches he was making.

When he got to daycare this morning, he crawled straight to the kitchen. Mama Lynn says he does that all the time now when he is hungry. It is his way of saying "Fee Me!"

RE Connecting

I just got done glancing at the First Step Recovery blog. I read some of the posts. It made me pretty sad. I have totally lost touch with those girls. But I can move past the sadness. It just wasn't meant to be.

These are the areas of my life I want to focus on:
1) My role as a mother & my relationship with Vin
2) My relationship with Scott and our family unit
3) My relationship with myself
a) friendships & family
b) well being - health, nutrition & mental health
c) hobbies/passions (music, nature, reading)
d) career/education goals

On this blog I really wanted to journal about what is happening in Vin's life and I will get to that but I really need to work on my relationship with myself. I see myself regressing slightly. I have been isolating in a way. I stay busy, I attend activities .... Kindermusic & La Leache League, but I still feel lonely. I feel as if I don't have any real connections. I feel fake.

What can I do?
- reconnect with Teresa, Do I know what she will tell me?
- contact group members, Michelle Fatema?
- email Barb, Liz, Heidi, La Leache Leage women
- Email the Midwestern Feminist girl
- contact Jen from Houston
- Tatjana
- Kim
- Joscyln
- find some books to read about the subject
-call Kelli or susie
- contact the neighbor that stopped by on Halloween
- Becky from FC
- go to lunch with campus people, trista, angela, megan
- Shalla

For me it seems so much easier to be alone. I know I have the power to change my mind, to stay positive. I will never go back to where I was!!!

Thursday, January 8

I remembered lots of my dreams last night.

I was in FC. I was traveling between dad's house and town. there was some sort of festival in FC......maybe cobblestone but bigger.
I got a wooden scooter and scooted to town, kind of like skateboard but I sat on it. I rode it in front of Jone airconditioning and then accidently or intentionally left it in front of the store before I crossed the street, along with a baby boy greeting card.

After I crossed the street I circled around several times trying to spot Tim. he came out to clean the windows which he has never done before in my dreams.
I wanted him to see me but he didn't. I was circling around. I saw Kia and Melissa togheter and mentioned something to them about band.

Tim picked up the scooter and card and read it. I finally nervously went by , my jogging was awkward. as he was going in he saw me, my stomach was accidently exposed, i tried to smile at him. it was disappointing, I was nervous, but excited to get a glimpse of him. me didn't really make eye contact.

later I was cruising around with rachel ploeger and her mom. In real life, I got a random email from her so she was in my subconcious. she was speeding, I was scared. there was a festival coming to town, lots of people were in town and cruising. we saw tracey cavanes, there were lots of cool shops and booths set up for the fair. at one point I thought I saw Liz's sister Tara & I called out her name , it wasn't her, I was embarrassed.

Scott was in town with me, we were hanging out with a couple of his friends??
there was a creek with a tunnel under a bridge. scott was near there. there were people under the bridge, i stayed away. two guys came out, I spoke to one but the other one wouldn't speak to me so I didn't try.

can't remember if this was last night or the night before......some sort of train, I was next to a little boy. his mom was showering his sister with breast milk. he said ew, but I told him Bfeeding is cool.

some sort of bar, drag queen, bar cleared out
family vacation, mom was jealous. extended family, niagara falls, rich and doug trampe caravaning

Dreams

I dreamed that my mom was outside of my office holding an ice cream cone & I was mad at her. It was small and sherbert swirl.

When I came back to my desk, people were making IDs for me. They had ruined several pages, Dee from 4star was there. I felt hurt and frustrated, like I wasn't important.

There was a guy who gardened, he had an Old English garden at an old apartment of mine. He used the garden that I had planted before, I showed in all the plants I had planted!


At one point I was with my sister & Eric called me, he wanted to stay with us.
I think Lauren Couse was there.

Then I was in an apartment that used to be mine. THere were sort of advant guard characters there, I was mingling and actually felt cool. The aparment owner had paintings all over, he was an artist & there were other artists there. I really liked what he had done with the place. I felt good. There were plants

I shacked up with John Wissman. We were friends but not romantic. His house was dirty, I did laundry there. I felt beautiful and cool and sexy. he was in an old house of Tim's (was it Missy's old house?) I was worried that Scott would be upset.

It was raining, and Scott and I ran accross the street to go to a KFC
I was in a buffett with my brother and some college guys, they ran out of chicken
food, food, food, desserts, ice cream cone that fell, bread on the floor, drink fountain.

There was an odd character by the drinking fountain, I thought he was following me.