yesterday

yesterday was a good day. During dinner I realized "Wow, I've eaten alot of fruits and vegetables today!" I even bought a decaf diet coke for lunch. By dinner time, I had eaten 2 bananas, and apple, salad/herb mix with carrots, swiss chard...plus meats and carbs.

I put alot of effort into going out to meet my support group at Scooter's. I knew it was very imortant that I go. I had to bring Vin. I was proud to show him off and the girls were so sweet about him. I wish I could have focused more on the conversation but oh well that was yesterday. It was great to see so many of the girls out!

I did do some mindless eating yesterday. We had mini snickers bars in a basket at my desk. They didn't scare me or puss me over the edge, but I probaly could have done with out those extra empty calories.

Last night when I was laying in bed, my stomach felt really good. not too full or gaseous like it often does. I had a small decaf carmel latte at Scooters, then a diet root beer when I got home and a bowl of cereal. I needed to drink more water but didn't. When I was laying in bed I felt pretty content with the day. Meeting my support group girls at Scooters was a very fullfilling, satisfying way to spend my evening. I felt pretty relaxed and ready to fall asleep as I was nursing Vin to sleep. I actually thought to myself "Wow my body feels pretty good right now!" But Princess, my cat was still outside so I had to get up and call her in. It took a little bit so I grabbed a bannana, a big spoonful of peanut butter ,and a handful of giant gumballs. I don't know why I wanted this, maybe I was just thirsty or maybe I hadn't gotton enough calories during the day, or maybe I was just numbing out. Hmmmm???? Anyway I woke up feeling a little gaseous as I often do. And very stiff.

that is another story. My aching body. I haven't been able to exercise at all as much as I used to or even stretch out or do a liitle yoga. my body gets really stiff at night. Last week I had cramps in my legs one night. And then there are my soar wrists. They seem to be getting worse the last couple nights. Last night was probaly the worst ever, I thought about taking tylenol, and I ended up getting and ice pack which felt pretty good. I need to do some research on that and probaly go to the doctor eventually.

I need to focus on drinking water, getting some exercise most everday (including stretching) and figuring out a solution for my wrists. I also want to spend some time working on revising my daily checklist and going over my support group notes.

My Baby will be 5 months old tomorrow

My baby will be 5 months old tomorrw! I absolutly can not believe it. This year has been the most exciting, challenging, amazing rewarding of my life. I am so thankful that Vin is doing so well. I try so hard to embrace every moment I have with him. Being a full time working mom is tought, but there are benefits. I get to have that rush everyday after work when I get to go home and see him... my little munchkin. Today is the first time ever that I have not breastfed him on my lunchbreak. I had to take my car to get it fixed and Im without a vechicle today. So I will be away from my baby for 9 hours straight. I will miss him so much. I know he is in excellent hands. My goal this week is to stay calm with Scott. I want to make it for as long as I can without getting upset with Scott.

This week marks another milestone in my life. 5 months purge free!!

Breath

Got to get some stuff off my chest.......
I went to the store this morning before work, to pick up some Boss's Day snacks. It was a little frantic, of course I didn't plan ahead of time.
I don't really enjoy the time in the morning before work. I should because mornings can be nice times, and this is my time with Vin when he is so cute. When he wakes up he always stretches realy big. It is so cute how babies always do this. It is something that adults often forget to do in the morning because they have to rush off to work.

Then I started worrying about my milk supply. Bla Bla Bla. Im worried that I am not keeping up with Vins appetite, because Mama Lynn is feeding him a serving of formula everyday.

And on top of that I haven't been able to exercise for 3 days and my body doesn't feel good. I have days when I worry about "fat". When Im not leading a healthy balanced lifestyle I worry and my body gets stiff and sore.

Then I started worrying about me being dehydrated because I dont' drink enough water and too many caffenated beverages.

Okay now I am going to counteract all these worrisome negative thoughts with positive constructive thoughts.

I will explore thinking about mornings in a positive way and strive to make them that way. Maybe I can include some sort of stretching or morning yoga. So far I am doing a really good job for being a mother to a healthy happy 4 month old and working full time!

So far Vin has been gaining the right amount of weight and he and I have been enjoyiing nursing so it must be going well. I can talk to Mama Lynn about the amount of formual he is drinking, and I can drink more water, worrying will not help the situation.

I am being a good mom, spending time with Vin is more important than exercising right now.

Daily Checklist

Professional: our need to be productive and to support ourselves.
-capable
-ready and willing to try new things
1)Find the name of the man I met at wedding and call him regarding career in mental health counsling --THIS WEEK
2)Continue to strive to give 100% at work


Personal: our physical needs such as healthy food, water, exercise, rest, and overall physical health,
-healthy
1) strive to drink at least one more glass of water everyday
2) vitamins and effexor everyday
3) continue to pack healthy lunches vs. gas station food everyday
4) continues to include as many whole foods, grains, veggies, fruits, etc. in my diet vs. processed foods (Tv dinners, etc.)

-physically capable
1) strive to do some sort of physical activity 4-5 days a week that is stress relieving and strength building (not cleaning)

Relationships: our need to connect and interact with others-loving
-friendly
-assertive in what I want in need
-having good communication skills
-intersted in others
-appreciative of my family and friends
-has meaningful relationships and enjoys them
-respectful of others
-shares and receives from others
-pleasant to be around


Spiritual: our emotional and psychological needs, our peace of mind; our sense of purpose in life; our heart-felt dreams and goals that give us deep fulfillment as we work toward their accomplishment.-confident
-joyful -- notice my own humor or something that makes me smile everyday
-concious and active in helping the environment - continues to recycle cans, think about recycling one new material next month, notice everytime a use a plastic bottle or glass instead of a disposable drink container, USE SMALLER AMOUNTS OF TOILET PAPER, THIS MONTH, Look online for cloth diapers
-appreciative of music - once a week listen to a CD; this month buy 1 new CD for the car
-nature loving - go for walks at least twice a week; this month visit one park
-open minded - ???
-lover of learning and reading - ????
-adventurous in trying new things
-creative in being non-wasteful
-artful -- I could redecorate my bedroom this month ??
-enjoys all things asthetically pleasing -- this month finish hanging pictures of Vin
-creative
-thoughtful
-intersting and intersted in other cultures
-sensitive
-a great mommy -- start doing baby massage at least once per week with Vin & dance time once per week
-accepting of reality
-comfortable in my skin
-ready and willing to try new things
-humorous
-smart
-calm and relaxful -- Strive to do some yoga or stretching at least twice a week

My Weekend Recovery Wise

I went to my support group this weekend! It was great! It was the third time I had been there since vinster was born 4 months ago. I have finally come to terms with the fact that this is what I need in my life. I am not done learning from my counselor Teresa and my support group. Bridgit the leader of the support group is awesome! I even thought this weekend, what if I just committ to one more full year of support group every weekend and seeing Teresa about every other weekend or so and not worry at all about how much it costs. I will pay it when I can. OKay I will toy with the idea, but that is pretty much what I am committing to.

The gals in my group are getting together at a coffee shop tonight and I am going. It will be great. I will try to post some notes from group this week, or some thoughts I had. Basically the homework is to catch myself when I am caught thinking in the past or future. I thought even better if I actually catch myself when I am caught up or immersed in the present moment. I was really starting to think about in group how one's "mind body connection" happens only in the present. you can't have a connection with your body and mind if you are caught up in the past or future. Your body is in the now, the present.

A couple of other great events that happened this weekend were that Scott, Vin and I went out to eat with some friends at a great Indian restaurant the weekend called The Peacock. Yummy. And later that evening Scott, Vin, and I went and had dinner at a friends house. It was sort of a dinner party. Fun. I was so glad that I was open for all this to happen. In the past my emotions, and self doubts, and lack of positive energy wouldn't have allowed for all of this to happen in one day.

There were a few negative emotions or energys for me to be aware of this weekend. I believe Scott and I did very well this weekend. We got along well. I didn't freak out. For a couple moments, I almost started to let the messy house get to me, but I stopped myself. I am challenging myself to make it more than a week since the last time a freaked out. I know I can do it!!

I did have some food issues, nothing extreme. Amazingly on Saturday, the food was not the issue. Instead of focusing on food I focused on the people and conversations. (Anyone with a 4 month old understands how this is not 100% entirely possible) but I tried my best and was genuinily glad to see friends!! I did have a few negative feelings in this regard, self doubt, questioning myself and whether people really like me. It was like reverting to my teenage self. I replayed some of the conversations in my head. But overall the enjoyableness totally overshadowed any of the self doubts I later had. Yeah for me!

Both Friday and Sunday evenings I sort of felt obsessed with food. I almost felt scared that I wanted to start eating and eating and not stop. Tom brought a really fancy decadant fudge cake to the dinner party........I kept thinking about it all weekend. I did have a good size piece of it, and I am glad I did, I think I would have been worse off if I didn't -- unsatisfied. I managed to make it through Sunday evening drinking a couple diet sodas and popcorn and a couple tootsie pop (plus dinner) to curb my munchies.

Last night I dreamed about weight and food for the first time in along time. ( I think I even dreamed about contemplating whether I would purge or not) I actually took a moment this weekend to think about the last time I purged, the actual sensation of the vomit coming up. I often don't remember that. Teresa says I need to relate those memories to "grossness" or "disgustingness". I dreamed about binging, ice cream cakes, etc. etc. I dreamed that I was totally unsatisfied with my body. And I dreamed about a skirt/top outfit I had in middle school that I loved. I haven't thought about it since. Maybe I will touch more on this later. I know that my body image can change drastically from day to day. One day I will feel great about my body. .. thinking "Wow not bad" then the next day I will notice how it feels when my thighs rub together, and a will make a negative judgement. Thankfully the positive days totally outweigh the negative. someday I will say "wow megan, you are one hot momma".

Traits list/Core Values

loving
confident
joyful
concious and active in helping the environment
appreciative of music
nature loving
friendly
open minded
lover of learning and reading
appreciative of my family and friends
adventurous in trying new things
creative in being non-wasteful
artful
enjoys all things asthetically pleasing
creative
thoughtful
assertive in what I want in need
having good communication skills
intersting and intersted in others
intersted in other cultures
sensitive
a great mommy
accepting of reality
comfortable in my skin
respectful of others
capable
physically capable
ready and willing to try new things
shares and receives from others
has meaningful relationships and enjoys them
humorous
healthy

* this is kind of hard for me to list things, somewhere inside of me is a perfectionist saying my list is not good enough

_______________________________________________________________________________
Add ons......

smart
pleasant to be around
positive thinker (optimist)
spreads positive energy

Homework from Teresa

Give 4 examples of good commincation with Scott, especially when Im being lighthearted.

First example is about a week ago, Scott, me and Vinny were taking a walk. We were walking by this huge grain elevator next to the railroad. Scott said that he would be interested in working there because it is so close to our house. I asked, "Do you even know what that place is?" He said not really. Then I realized that I knew what is was, that it was where grain was shipped out in railroad cars. In a goofy way I said "You should know, your dad works for the Orphan Grain Train (literally he does) !" ( This is totally an inside dorky joke) But the point is I was genuinely being humorous and thought I myself was funny. I laughed a dorky laugh and Scott teased me. Then I flirtasiously fake hit him. The was the first time I was flirtasious with him in quite awhile.

"Life isn't about finding yourself, it is about creating yourself" -- George Bernard Shaw

Great Quote -- I was checking a woman's blog on recovery (http://onbulimia.blogs.com/) and saw that her most recent post began with this quote. It was so ironic to see because that is exactly what my counslor said to me this weekend, word for word. That was the main thing I got from therapy last weekend. It is a new concept for me ... deciding who I want to be.

Especially as I surf the internet, checking out people's websites, blogs, and myspace accounts I realize how individually unique everyone is. And every individual has the power and choice to be who they want to be. Each individual gets choose who their favorite musicians are and biggest influences in life are. There is no right answer. And there is no fan club. You design your myspace account for your own pure enterainment, no one really cares who you post as your favorite author. It is fun. It is fun to have your own interests and likes and dislikes. To have ownership and pride in yourself and your stuff is part of being who you want to be.

Scott was teasing me last week when we were on a walk and there was a fork in the road. I said I didn't care which way we went, he made me choose. I realized I do care.

Ten Characteristics of Successful Relationships

1) Friendship: Couples who have a strong friendship have staying power. They not only love each other but genuinely like each other as people. They enjoy hanging out together. They might even consider each other their "best friend."

2) Humor: Partners who can make each other laugh tend to be good at de-escalating conflicts when they do arise. It’s the great mood lightener. I’ve noticed the use of funny nicknames can be an indicator of great fondness for one another. The names often stem from a "you had to be there" moment from the beginning of their relationship.

3) Communication: As obvious as this may seem, many couples are not very good at it. Those who are able to openly express their feelings in an emotionally safe environment typically deal with situations as they come up and avoid burying frustrations which always have a way of coming out at some point.

4) Chore Sharing: Those who divvy up the household or parenting responsibilities - in a way that is mutually agreed upon way are less likely to hold resentments about what they perceive as "unfair." Each participates (albeit maybe begrudgingly) and both contribute to the relationship in this way.

5) Sexual Intimacy: Couples who have their sexual needs met or at least have negotiated a reasonable compromise if their levels of need aren’t compatible, feel taken care of by the other. Some are highly active, engaging in lovemaking multiple times a week and others are content with far less. There is no "right" or "wrong" amount. However, often times a negotiation is needed to make sure no one feels neglected by the other.

6) Affection: Partners who stay in physical contact in some way throughout the day have appeared to be the happiest ones. These moments don’t need to necessarily lead to sexual intimacy but are rather easy ways to say, "I love you," without the words. These moments can be invaluable, especially these days when everyone seems to be racing around to get "somewhere." Whether it’s a hug, kiss, swat on the rear, tussle of the hair or a sit on the lap, these acts of affection keep couples connected when life gets crazy.

7) No "Horsemen of the Apocalypse:" This is a term coined by a famous couples researcher named John Gottman (www.gottman.com) who claims to be able to predict divorce with incredible accuracy. His "four horsemen of the apocalypse" are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. His research has shown that couples who demonstrate a high level of these in their relationships are in big trouble.

8) Mutual and Separate Friends: Partners who socialize with other couples and also maintain separate friendships have greater balance in regards to honoring themselves as individuals, within the relationship. This leads to more self satisfaction which translates to relationship satisfaction.

9) Reliability: Most of us want follow-through with our friendships and our partners. If couples do what they say and say what they do, they create an atmosphere of comfort in knowing their words mean something to the other.

10) Relationship Vision: It’s interesting the number of couples I’ve seen who don’t seem to have the big picture of their relationship in mind. Where do they see themselves in ten year? What are their relationship goals? Couples who have created a relationship vision for themselves know where they’re going as they’ve planned it together. They get joy out of reaching for their goals as a team and are less likely to be derailed by surprises down the line.

Pumping and Breastfeeding and Hair Loss

I lost about 15 or 20 hairs in the shower this morning. Everytime I run my hand through my hair several hairs come out. It is amazing I still have any left. I have heard other people talk about changes in their hair after having a baby. My theory is that all my nutrition is going to my breastmilk and not my hair. I know some girls with anorexia lose hair, man that would be scary. I never experienced any hair loss at all during my 10+ years with bulimlia.

I have been sick this month. First with an earache, now I have a cold. This is one of the hardest times of my life being sick with a 4 month old and working full time. It is also one of the most joyous times. Vin is the light of my life. It is very hard maintaining good nutrition. I do all of the grocery shopping for myself and cooking. Scott does his own. A couple times a week he grills chicken for me. Vin goes to daycare everyday. I pump milk for him in the afternoon. This gives him one serving of breastmilk to have at daycare, then I breastfeed him on my lunchbreak, and he gets another serving or so of formula. I sometimes feel sad or guilty that he has to have some formula, but I am doing the best I can. I really don't think it is too big of a deal. but I am a little worried that the volume of milk I pump will not increase if I dont' increase the time that I pump at work. Worry, worry, worry........I try not to worry. Life is too short to worry. I greatly look forward to the weekends so I can breastfeed Vin for 48 hours straight. I really love breastfeeding. It is amazing to have your little baby suckling at your breast cooing and making all kinds of cute noises. now he is starting to play around while he eats. He is sooo cute!

Dreams

Man I have been dreaming alot lately. Or should I say my dreams are very vivid and I have been remembering them well. I have had a cold so I have been sleeping a little bit more, maybe that is contributing to my dreams. I remember last night being pretty crazy. I laid down at about 6 with Vin and we slept together for a couple hours then Scott watched him while I slept more, I pretty much slept all evening. My dreams seemed kind of foggy until this morning I was reading my Britney Spears web gossip page and read how she was returning from NYC to Los Angelos and the paparozzi in LA said she looked like Mother Teresa because she was wearing a shawl over her head. Then I remembered I dreamt about mother Teresa last night. She had a mansion in a rich Jewish neighborhood. She was supposedly dying but looked pretty healthy in my dream. She was a midget and had some kind of device that helped her squirm around on the ground really fast. She was almost like a mermaid. She wore very fancy ornate outfits with lots of gold jewelry and accents. She had a really thick make up like mask. At one point she dove into her gilded swimming pool and started doing the back stroke. Very strange, it almost seems like I saw something about her on TV this week but I don't remember. It was very ironic to see Britney descrived as mother Teresa the morning after my dream.

Also part of my dream that was a little more serious........ was about my "mother in law". First I was at a recovery/educational support group in a hospital. I was recovering from some surgery, I think after getting my appendix out. My mom was with me. Later I was at a store with my mother in law. I was carrying Vin. My mother in law and I were going to have lunch together. Her blood sugar started getting really low (she has diabetes) and we were trying to decide where to go. there was some confusion, she got really sick. She wanted to carry Vin and drive to the restauraunt. I told her "no" that is not safe. I told her just to go. And she sped of in her truck with the passenger side door open. She had some sort of accident and there was lots of chaos and worry.

Finallly Inspired to Blog Again

Man I have had a blogging lull. I just couldn't decide what I wanted to blog about -- what theme I wanted to follow. Actually I had some "actual work" to do at work so I didn't have alot of time to blog.
I really want to keep a record of my dreams. I have been having some crazy ones lately. I think it would be cool to keep track of them in some kind of formal manner.
The other items I really want to document are my recovery from bulimia, being a new mom, and psychology in general. Oh and also my day to day life.