November 18

My dreams were pretty foggy again. Although I didn't overeat before bed so that helped. Scott was rocking Vin around 9:00, and I don't really remember him bringing Vin into my room.

Here it goes............
I did think about my dreams while I was still laying in bed this morning.
I dreamt of a house that Scott and I shared. he was working on finishing it. I came home one day and he was changing cloths, he had lit candles and finished the back porch which was like a cascading waterfall with my plants all around and a pool with a couch like raft in it. He had just filled it so I new it was going to be freezing but I knew we were both going to get in and be romantic. Vin was occupied somewhere. . naptime? We never actually go in. AT one point we were getting ready but Scott was hanging out with Tom.....drinking. I could here Tom talking, I wasn't annoyed. We were in the garage?

All the rooms in the house were finished with bright colors, the furniture just needed to be arranged and stuff organized. But all the decorating accessories were there. There were lots of handme down toys for Vin that needed to be organized and put away. There were 3 collectore lunch boxes for him. There were lots of pretty colors.

There was some sort of threat to our safety. There were construction workers in the back. They were taking a clay like substance and breaking it up into a powder. I started helping them. I was hanging out with them because I was scared of an intruder.

Scott and I were at a bar. There was a private room. There was group of wild girls after us. Some were strippers. I was a little jealous.

Liz was in my dream, she was holding Vin. It was work related. there was a nursery. She was taking care of other kids. She , I , and my boss Peter were in a room. I was talking to her, then she vanished. She was a spirit or hologram.

I was on a scooter or walking on a path like the bikepath that goes through downtown lincoln


I can't remember very many of the details

more dreams

My dreams were not as vivid last night because I didn't get as much sleep. I stayed up uploading photos of the Vinster onto my flickr account.

I did remember a few parts of my dream. I put my Greek Gods empty yougurt under my bedside stand in hopes to suggest that into my dreams. It was a last minutes thought though after stuffing myself with chocolate rice cakes, plain yogurt, and peanut butter. It was an excellent combination. I was even thinking to myself that I should start a "health food restauraunt". Yeah right, just what I need.

Anyway the main thing I remember dreaming about was my brown size 12 pants. I was planning on wearing them today, and they were still in the dryer so of course they were on my mind.

I was trying to make it to a doctors appointment. Andrea and some of my support group girls were going to go with me, only I was running late. So they were all going to go first and I would come later. I was going for something related to my ED. I was late and I was throwing cloths around trying to find something to wear.

Part of the dream was Scott and I together in a tent. We were making love. I know that had to be because he laid down with Vin and I for awhile last night.

I see a glimpse of Vins daycare group being led from one house to another. I was laying on the ground with a baby just relaxing, watching this group. The baby had to be Vin, but didn't really register with me. We were excluded from the group for some reason but it was no big deal. There was a cluster of houses. The people in the group were not actually Mama Lynn and kids, just nameless people.


Everything was really hazy last night, it was not a good nights sleep, but I stayed up late & got a chance to upload some of Vins photos to my flickr account. I am so thankful to Scott for taking and organizing so many pictures of the Vinster. I love you Scott.

Dreams

I started reading Concious Dreaming by Robert Moss. I think I am really on to something interesting. All I know right now is that I need to jot down some notes about my dreams last night.

I dreamed about Becky Hundley Wittwer. She was doing aerobics in front of her house with some friends. I joined them. They were in better shape then I was. She lived in about the same area where she truly does live in Falls City but she was right next to the highway going west from FC. We ended up going inside. I was jealous of her friendships with these local Falls Citians. Somehow there was an image of a horse that made one of her friends really sad. She started crying. I told a story of how I used to pet the horses on my road everyday and how wonderful horses are. I felt my story was inefective in comforting Becky's friend as I was trying to do. Her horses were stolen or abducted or something and she didn't know how to get them back. Then Becky's husband came in the room and I think hugged her.

At one point in my dream the outdoors aeorbics session evolved into a party. They had a huge backyard and there were Falls citians standing all around Becky's house, the front, the side, the back, and the neighbors yard. People were gathering for some kind of event, maybe a music performance. There were many people I knew, and they were all saying hi to me. I felt really good and a part of the group. Wendy Krietzer, Haley from 4star, those are the two I remember. The whole time I was waiting and searching for my Tim to show up. He never did. But I was excited to be in his neighborhood.

there was another transition. At some point in the dream I left Vin to go to Becky's house quickly. FOr soem reason I put him in a duffle bag, I thought I would be back shortly. While I was standing around at her party, I remembered where Vin was and I felt paniced. I race home, I thought he would be dead but he wasn't.


Part of the dream was about the seperation of my mom and dad which is a very common theme in my dreams since they were divorced. This week I realized they have never seen Vin together, weird I just realized that. It has made me think and Im sure that is what influenced this dream. There were two seperate houses, my moms and my dads. I was very worried about my mom, at one point in the dream she told me she was going to committ suicide. I was in her house helping her organize, getting it ready. This part of the dream is more vague. Then I was at my dad's house with my siblings. He had gotton holoween candy, which seemed strange because it seemed to be my moms job to do that. There was lots of candy. There was also a mysterious attic ???

In another part of the dream I was waitressing for the first time in this obscure restaurant ??? I remember the tables and clearing away trash, and waiting on families, asking them if they want dessert. I was the hostess first but that was really boring and I just started bussing the table then waitressing, I liked it.

There was a store waiting room, that was decorated for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I I was waiting there with some people , there was only one chair. I remember telling the shop owner it looked more like Valentines day then Christmas. I wanted to redecorate. I was drunk in this store for awhile and drawing smiley faces???

Somehow I got really drunk, I was drunk at the store, at my mom's house, I was with friends and ended up at Fourstar, I slept on the floor, talked to Lisa, and somehow left my cell phone there.

ONe thing that really sticks out from last night is that Becky gave my a chunk of fur, I didn't know if it came from her dog or a deer. It was meaningfulto me.

Blah Again

Another dreary day. It is dark, gloomy, and rainy outside. I just dropped my baby off at daycare about an hour ago. He looked so cute in his fuzzy flannel sleeper. Scott dug it out of the closet for him to wear for the first time. Im so happy when Scott takes an initiative with Vins clothing!

It is such an odd thing to drop off your baby for another woman to take care of all day while you go an answer phones at some office building. That is America in the 21st century for ya or whatever century we are in. I know Vin is in good hands, sometimes I think he is in better hands than my hands. It is such exhausting work taking care of a baby all day. But he is so adorable and I crave to be with him when I am not. It is amazing that in my 29 years here on earth I really learned nothing about being a mother. I had to figure it all out on my own. Much of it is instinctive, but Im sure it would have helped to have some lessons on when babies sleep and what they do. OH well Im worrying to much.

I have to get my breastfeeding method back in order. Im feeling underconfident about it again. Im worried that Im not taking good enough care of my health, and thus my milk supply is not tip top. I know I need more water, less caffine, and better nutrition. Im also trying to make sure my pump is working how it should and my routine is working how it should. Im expecting a call from a Milkworks about how my Prozac could effect my milk supply. I need to have more contact with nursing mothers!!

I talked to Andrea last night, and it kind of made me sad that she said she doesn't always feel very comfortable telling me how she is feeling. Well actually I knew that already. Im trying not to read too much into it. It is really a big step that she told me. She is really struggling to make it through her lonliness from missing Michael. It is really hard to have a long distance relationship with her because I miss seeing her. But I wasn't very good at it when she was close. I guess we are doing the best we can. The "crazy" side of me worries that Im losing out, and Ill never be able to have close relationships with people. I feel so fake sometimes. I need to keep working with Teresa through these feelings to see if I can get past some of this shit. Why do I feel like I can not be myself around other people? Why do I feel like I have to be guarded or fake when Im talking to others. Like I have to protect them. Like being myself isn't good enough?

Stuff for me to work on this week

First of all these are the notes I jotted down from the first half of group I attended:
"If you love a person enough, you can change their behavior" ????? big question mark. "If you need a certain level of love and affection, you can not compromise what you need." ???another big question mark "We (women with ED) are so fearful of being "that needy girl" and not being independent enough."

one of Teresa's favorites ....."The hardest part of success is finding someone who is truly happy for you." -Bette Midler

We talked about environmentally eating This is the exact opposite of mindful eating or intuitive eating. An example would be eating crappy because you are on vacation and it is an excuse. One way to decide if you are eating environmentally or not is to ask yourself "Could I get that food any time I want"? If not, it truly might be a special food or occasion to splurge.

Again we talked about deprogramming ourselves from thinking fullness equals sickess. Just like emptiness doesn't equal goodness.

Teresa asked Trisha how she was doing, "Trisha hasn't purged in 10 days, right Trisha?!" asked Teresa. Trisha said "right" in an unenthusiastic way. Teresa asked Christine why Trisha responed this way. Christine said Trisha was minimizing her purge-free days. Which we do so we don't let ourselves down. ??? I'd like to know more about it.

Teresa reminded us that "When you are truly happy you just don't feel like purging!"
Someone said, "Yeah but when I'm happy..........."

"yeah buts" are NEVER good.

"we get stuck on not moving forward with our goals because of the "what ifs" in life."
Teresa reminded us that "you can always tweak your goals or change your mind!"

I also saw Teresa on Saturday.

She suggested that I be listening for how other people ask others for favors or for help. If I hear phrases that I like or that I think sound good, I should try them out myself or practice using them. I was aksing her about sounding bossy versus polite versus non-confident.

She also suggest that I talk to Barb about how she deals with or has learn to trust her body. To trust that she her body will stay the same size.

Teresa gave me 4 homework assignments: (to do by my next appointment Nov 24)
1) To call my dad's friend in Kansas about career ideas in mental health
2) To research 4 different career ideas
3) To observe and document 4 more incidences where I catch myself being lighthearted and using humor
4) To identify and describe 4 of my biggest speedbumps

Blaming

I realized that I put un nessecary blame on my boyfriend Scott this weekend. This is something that I probaly do a little too often, and is a result/complication of my coping behaviors via ED. I feel ashamed/sad/nervous/uncomfortable about my social skills. When I got tired or something this weekend I started whining to him about us not hanging out with other couples. Blah Blah Blah. Mentally I put the blame on him. And I took it one step further and actually said it in words to him. Even though I have just as much ability to think of, plan, and encourage social events for me, Scott & I as a couple, and as a family with Vin. Scott actually did plan something for us this weekend. We went to the mall with another couple, it was very sweet of Scott to plan that. I don't think he was "overthinking" it as much as I do.

I found some good relationship info. on babycenter.com. About relationships after having a baby together. Here are some points I want to remember.....

HighlightsRethink your goals
List your current tasks
List your baby's needs
Begin sharing immediately
Shed traditional expectations
Make room for two experts in your house
Anticipate and communicate
Make a schedule
Consider hiring help
Take advantage of timesaving technology
Lower your standards
Reward yourselves
Remind yourself of the advantages of your dual involvement

I think "Lowering your standards" is funny. How true is that one?

Blah Blah Blog

I hadn't checked my support group blog for 2 days. I was down on blogging and swore that I wasn't going to type to much today, but I already did. I was inspired again when I saw how many girls had utilized it over the weekend. I do need to limit the number of times I check it during the day. It has become a little bit of an obsession. I do want to use me own blog, Megan's Freedom Blog, to keep track of my therapy session and support group goals and homework and insights and my own personal goals for my week.

I haven't felt inspired to blog for awhile. My ED support group blog is a little discouraging, not very many of the girls are intersted in it. But I have to be realistic....mabye they don't have as much time as I do next to a computer.

I had a little bit of the "feeling fat" anxiety this morning. I absolutley don't have any cloths. I need to buy size twelves and it is not my favorite thing to do. I put on some maternity pants that I hadn't worn for awhile, they were alittle tighter, but when I looked at my body I felt good. I just have this fear that my body will explode or blimp out. I want to buy some cloths that I feel good in. I don't get to exercise very much, and I know that I really need to because that keeps me feeling really good, and there is no chance that I can start overdoing it. I don't have time.

Vinny is my #1 past time first. I am so thankful that I am able to put him first in my life and that I can take really good care of him. And that mentally and spiritually I am at a place where I can really enjoy it and be fairly relaxed. I have been feeling pretty happy the last couple days. I caught myself singing in the car yesterday! Wow. I still feel lonely sometimes. I tend to be a loner, but I am trying to leave myself open and ready to meet and be with others. Last night I was really proud of myself. Scott had a show and his bandmates came over to load up. I was back in my bedroom nursing Vin and keeping Bela locked down. Scott and his bandmates were loud and jolly and having a good time. In the past I have been very jealous, but last night I tried to keep in mind that I won't always feel lonely. Someday I can very likely have close friends who I laugh with. I do have friends. I can have things and relationships that I want in my life. That is a vague statement, but it is sort of a new concept in my life. Versus feeling sorry for myself.