The Daring of Having no Enemies - Pema Chodran

Whether it's ourselves, our lovers, bosses, children, a local Scrooge, or the political situation, it's more daring and real not to shut anyone out of our hearts and not to make the other into an enemy. If we begin to live like this, we'll find that we actually can't make things completely right or completely wrong anymore, because things are a lot more slippery and playful than that. Everything is ambiguous; everything is always shifting and changing, and there are as many different takes on any given situation as there are people involved. Trying to find absolute rights and wrongs is a trick we play on ourselves to feel secure and comfortable.

another day another dollar

today is a new day. a new beginning, a chance for me to start over. I have been feeling like crap the last week. I got really sick & it really got to me mentally. I sometimes start to let myself believe that my world is starting to spin out of control. It scares me to think of how little control I really have, how so much is left to fate or chance or good luck. But I have to start to believe that if I consistently work hard and plan and be smart about things, I can have a big affect on my future. and if I work hard then I can take time to relax and enjoy my life and be very grateful for what I have. I never relax, I'm always in a frenzied state. I feel I have really let down my family. I want to be the best I can be for them and especially Vin.

My school plans have change, I have a big deadline coming December 1 at Metro Community College in Omaha. I need to get immunization records for SCC and their start date is pushed forwards to spring 2012

My goals with Vin are still the same.
Here are my goals as a mom

1. get along with scott and treat him respectfully
2. Be patient and calm with Vin
3. Laugh with Vin
4. provide healthy consistent meals and snacks for Vin
5. dance and play with ViN
6. Continue to work towards my goal of becoming a nurse & spending more time with vin
7. Write down notes about Vin

I haven't been doing any of these this week. I have let them all go by the wayside.
My biggest obstacle know is trying to find a way to get Vin to watch less TV in the morning, that means me getting up and playing with him in the morning. And me cleaning and setting up our house so it is more accessible and exciting for Vin to play.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

UUgh I'm sitting here at my desk wondering how I'm going to make it 7 more hours. How in the world have I made it for 5 years at this job. My stomach is churning, my mind is racing.... how am I going to do it. I should be with Vin. I crave to be with him. Sometimes this feeling goes away & I accept my fate for a few hours or days, but not this morning. It is not natural for a mom to be away from her baby for so long. It does not settle well in body or soul. I must must must find a way to keep on with my plan to become a nurse. Then while I'm in school or a NA or LPN I can at least not have to work 8-5 and maybe come up with a schedule that allows me more flexibility or time with Vin. And for sure if I'm an RN I can work less than 40 hours and still earn plenty of money. I will rid myself of the jealously I feel towards the stay at home moms I know. One in particular, how does she do it? I have to remember she doesn't have student loans to pay, a house payment, a car payment.
Here is my plan thus far:
1. Stay at UNL through Dec so I can have Thanksgiving off, Christmas off, and New Years, plus my 3rd paycheck in Dec to pay off all medical bills
2. Apply to SCC ASAP
3. Look for NA jobs ASAP in Jan, hopefully begin in Feb.
4. start LPN school in fall or winter 2011 (Oct or Jan)
5. work as LPN by Oct or Jan 2012



Here are my goals as a mom

1. get along with scott and treat him respectfully
2. Be patient and calm with Vin
3. Laugh with Vin
4. provide healthy consistent meals and snacks for Vin
5. dance and play with ViN
6. Continue to work towards my goal of becoming a nurse & spending more time with vin
7. Write down notes about Vin

Friday Again

Well its Friday again! A little break from the daily 8-5. Today as I was leaving the house Vin said "No work mom?" & thank god I got to say "Yes vin, I get to stay home with you tomorrow!". Then he turned his head to look at the TV & I hustled out the door, trusting is father to take good care of him and deliver him to his babysitter.

Vin woke up at 6 this morning and I got to snuggle with him for over an hour. He went back to sleep for a bit then tossed and turned and scratched my chest as he usually does. Then he slowly woke up and was instantly happy and excited. He gathered his stuffed animals around him ... his huskie, mamma ruff, racoon. He talked about the huskie being a wolf and made a howling noise. Vin is really into foxes and wolves, he's really intrigued by them. All stemming from T.V. One of his favorite shows 'Dora the Explorer' has a character named 'Swiper' that is a fox. And the other day Vin saw a version of the three pigs and the big bad wolf. Now he likes talking about big bad wolves and huffing and puffing and blowing your house down. Much of his imagination and life involves what he sees on T.V. I can't really help that, he watches TV at daycare and some at home. I try my best to get him to do other activities when I'm with him in the evenings. We didn't watch TV at all last night. Yeah!

As Vin was waking up and moving his stuffed animals around, he mentioned "candles" & we started talking about birthdays and blowing out candles. And he said "happy you mom". I realized he must have had a dream about candles. He took a couple bites of a crayon last night & the waxy taste might have reminded him of tasting the candles from my birthday cake. Of course he said he dreamed about B's birthday. He always says he dreams about Mena & B.

I love that little guy so much!

I just read through all of my old blog posts. I am so happy I kept some record of Vin's early years. One's memory is truly faulty. I know when I'm 90 all I will be able to remember is how having Vin was the greatest joy of my life.

Oh how I love reading those tidbits of the first year of Vin's life. The few times I wrote about visiting him over my lunch hour at Lynns' house and the joys and worries of breastfeeding. I wish I would have written more but I should be thankful for what I did write on the blog and in his baby book.

One other thing I realized after skimming my old posts is that I had a dream about wanting to purge this week, about eating some fattening foods, not really a binge but then thinking about purging. It was just a dream. It was the first time I had a dream like that in several months. THIS IS A GREAT SIGN!! SUBCONCIOUS PROGRESS! I am proud of myself. ED is slowly fading away forever. I don't eat alot before bed so I'm sure that helps. Now I just have to work on upgrading my nutrition.

Here are a few of Vin's ALMOST complete sentences from the last week or two...
"Me shake me bootie"
Darn I can't think of anymore right now, but I will later!!
Everything starts with "ME" now