WEDNESDAY WITH KIM

I miss Vin so much today. Probably because I didn't get enough sleep last night. I stayed up until 11:30 cutting slit ends on my hair and looking and reading Jenna Jameson gossip on the internet, eating Wheat Thins. STUPID. I wonder when I will grow up?

Then I went into Vin's room at 2 a.m. & slept with him the rest of the night. This I don't regret. I will not alow myself to regret co-sleeping. I do sometimes think I should feel guilty or start thinking negatively But I love cuddling with Vin so much. How can this be bad, time spent next to each other resting. I know I can't do it forever but for now while he is two I think it is okay.

He is the sweetest little guy, everyday my heart should swell with gratefulness, and love and compassion because I have been blessed by this wonderful little man. But somedays I get down. I feel so sorry for myself. I let fear overtake me. I doubt myself and let my mind overflow with negative thoughts. That is why I'm trying to type on this blog everyday, to remind myself how lucky and blessed I am. As my counselor has explained to me the pyschical act of typing this out can trigger my mind to change. The physical act of doing nice things for myself, of having interesting, fun, engaging activities and experiences can trigger my mind to change. I have worked hard this far in my life to by the best I can be, to do the best with what I have been born with but I know I can work harder. Again this momement I will recommit to strive harder each day to be a better person and lead a more fulfilling and quality life. For Vin and for myself. The main steps I can do now are to 1) Stop surfing the internet at work, use my time for quality reading 2) NUTRITION!!! 3) follow through with my CNA plans 4) reach out to other people.

Now as the title of my post alludes to, I'm going to reminisce about yesterday evening. Kim came over to eat supper with Vin and I. Vin is really warming up to her and becoming more of a social being altogether. He is moving toward the age where he is really starting to interact and appreciate other people, past the naricisitic toddler period. He is absolutely in love with Grandpa John and the idea of Grandpa John right now. He was inlove with Granpa Rich but he can not say "Rich" yet or doesn't try .... just "Ganpa". He actually talked to uncle Ryan last weekend and last night he wouldn't leave Kim alone. It was "Kim this" and "Kim that". He wanted to show her everything. Last week when she came over I realized he was really warming up to her. She was telling wonderful make believe stories about a monkey in her washing machine and Vin loved it. He even leaned into her a couple times on the couch and touched her leg. But last night he was really into saying her name and calling for her over and over. It was cute! She looked at his stickers and coloring book, looked at his toys, and even finger painted with us!

It is so wonderful for me to have a great friend like Kim to come over to the house for dinner. She is the only person that comes over besides Vin's grandparents and Scott's bandmates. April, Carolyn, & Rasmia came over a few times this year & I had the garage sale, but that seems to be a thing of the past. I know it is so important for Vin's social development. I want people to know him and see how wonderful he is. Kim has been such a dedicated friend to me. Weve known each other for over 3 years. She is the best friend I have. I want to continue to be a good friend to her and show her how much her friendship means to me. I want Vin's life to be full of friends and people that he cares about & that he knows care about him!! His grandparents are a vital part of his life right now. And I'm excited that Andrea will be moving back to Nebraksa. I'm very often doubtful of my social skills and dissappointed in the lack of friends that I have and thus Vin's lack of friends. But this does not reflect at all on Vin. He has such a bright and shining personality I need to be confident in the fact that he is his very own person and will grow and develop into a unique individual with the potential for so many different opportunites. I will love him now matter what he does or doesn't do and I'm very confident his father will too. I'm lucky to know this. No matter how much his father and I disagree or annoy or disapoint each other I have complete faith in Scott's unconditional love for Vin. I need to think of this everyday and be grateful. What a good feeling!!

Okay well enough of this run on paragraph. Bottome line. Chin up Megan!!