Friday, September 10, 2010

Friday Again

Well its Friday again! A little break from the daily 8-5. Today as I was leaving the house Vin said "No work mom?" & thank god I got to say "Yes vin, I get to stay home with you tomorrow!". Then he turned his head to look at the TV & I hustled out the door, trusting is father to take good care of him and deliver him to his babysitter.

Vin woke up at 6 this morning and I got to snuggle with him for over an hour. He went back to sleep for a bit then tossed and turned and scratched my chest as he usually does. Then he slowly woke up and was instantly happy and excited. He gathered his stuffed animals around him ... his huskie, mamma ruff, racoon. He talked about the huskie being a wolf and made a howling noise. Vin is really into foxes and wolves, he's really intrigued by them. All stemming from T.V. One of his favorite shows 'Dora the Explorer' has a character named 'Swiper' that is a fox. And the other day Vin saw a version of the three pigs and the big bad wolf. Now he likes talking about big bad wolves and huffing and puffing and blowing your house down. Much of his imagination and life involves what he sees on T.V. I can't really help that, he watches TV at daycare and some at home. I try my best to get him to do other activities when I'm with him in the evenings. We didn't watch TV at all last night. Yeah!

As Vin was waking up and moving his stuffed animals around, he mentioned "candles" & we started talking about birthdays and blowing out candles. And he said "happy you mom". I realized he must have had a dream about candles. He took a couple bites of a crayon last night & the waxy taste might have reminded him of tasting the candles from my birthday cake. Of course he said he dreamed about B's birthday. He always says he dreams about Mena & B.

I love that little guy so much!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

I just read through all of my old blog posts. I am so happy I kept some record of Vin's early years. One's memory is truly faulty. I know when I'm 90 all I will be able to remember is how having Vin was the greatest joy of my life.

Oh how I love reading those tidbits of the first year of Vin's life. The few times I wrote about visiting him over my lunch hour at Lynns' house and the joys and worries of breastfeeding. I wish I would have written more but I should be thankful for what I did write on the blog and in his baby book.

One other thing I realized after skimming my old posts is that I had a dream about wanting to purge this week, about eating some fattening foods, not really a binge but then thinking about purging. It was just a dream. It was the first time I had a dream like that in several months. THIS IS A GREAT SIGN!! SUBCONCIOUS PROGRESS! I am proud of myself. ED is slowly fading away forever. I don't eat alot before bed so I'm sure that helps. Now I just have to work on upgrading my nutrition.

Here are a few of Vin's ALMOST complete sentences from the last week or two...
"Me shake me bootie"
Darn I can't think of anymore right now, but I will later!!
Everything starts with "ME" now

WEDNESDAY WITH KIM

I miss Vin so much today. Probably because I didn't get enough sleep last night. I stayed up until 11:30 cutting slit ends on my hair and looking and reading Jenna Jameson gossip on the internet, eating Wheat Thins. STUPID. I wonder when I will grow up?

Then I went into Vin's room at 2 a.m. & slept with him the rest of the night. This I don't regret. I will not alow myself to regret co-sleeping. I do sometimes think I should feel guilty or start thinking negatively But I love cuddling with Vin so much. How can this be bad, time spent next to each other resting. I know I can't do it forever but for now while he is two I think it is okay.

He is the sweetest little guy, everyday my heart should swell with gratefulness, and love and compassion because I have been blessed by this wonderful little man. But somedays I get down. I feel so sorry for myself. I let fear overtake me. I doubt myself and let my mind overflow with negative thoughts. That is why I'm trying to type on this blog everyday, to remind myself how lucky and blessed I am. As my counselor has explained to me the pyschical act of typing this out can trigger my mind to change. The physical act of doing nice things for myself, of having interesting, fun, engaging activities and experiences can trigger my mind to change. I have worked hard this far in my life to by the best I can be, to do the best with what I have been born with but I know I can work harder. Again this momement I will recommit to strive harder each day to be a better person and lead a more fulfilling and quality life. For Vin and for myself. The main steps I can do now are to 1) Stop surfing the internet at work, use my time for quality reading 2) NUTRITION!!! 3) follow through with my CNA plans 4) reach out to other people.

Now as the title of my post alludes to, I'm going to reminisce about yesterday evening. Kim came over to eat supper with Vin and I. Vin is really warming up to her and becoming more of a social being altogether. He is moving toward the age where he is really starting to interact and appreciate other people, past the naricisitic toddler period. He is absolutely in love with Grandpa John and the idea of Grandpa John right now. He was inlove with Granpa Rich but he can not say "Rich" yet or doesn't try .... just "Ganpa". He actually talked to uncle Ryan last weekend and last night he wouldn't leave Kim alone. It was "Kim this" and "Kim that". He wanted to show her everything. Last week when she came over I realized he was really warming up to her. She was telling wonderful make believe stories about a monkey in her washing machine and Vin loved it. He even leaned into her a couple times on the couch and touched her leg. But last night he was really into saying her name and calling for her over and over. It was cute! She looked at his stickers and coloring book, looked at his toys, and even finger painted with us!

It is so wonderful for me to have a great friend like Kim to come over to the house for dinner. She is the only person that comes over besides Vin's grandparents and Scott's bandmates. April, Carolyn, & Rasmia came over a few times this year & I had the garage sale, but that seems to be a thing of the past. I know it is so important for Vin's social development. I want people to know him and see how wonderful he is. Kim has been such a dedicated friend to me. Weve known each other for over 3 years. She is the best friend I have. I want to continue to be a good friend to her and show her how much her friendship means to me. I want Vin's life to be full of friends and people that he cares about & that he knows care about him!! His grandparents are a vital part of his life right now. And I'm excited that Andrea will be moving back to Nebraksa. I'm very often doubtful of my social skills and dissappointed in the lack of friends that I have and thus Vin's lack of friends. But this does not reflect at all on Vin. He has such a bright and shining personality I need to be confident in the fact that he is his very own person and will grow and develop into a unique individual with the potential for so many different opportunites. I will love him now matter what he does or doesn't do and I'm very confident his father will too. I'm lucky to know this. No matter how much his father and I disagree or annoy or disapoint each other I have complete faith in Scott's unconditional love for Vin. I need to think of this everyday and be grateful. What a good feeling!!

Okay well enough of this run on paragraph. Bottome line. Chin up Megan!!
If you observe a really happy man you will find him building a boat, writing a symphony, educating his son, growing double dahlias in his garden. He will not be searching for happiness as if it were a collar button that has rolled under the radiator.
W. Beran Wolfe