Blah Again

Another dreary day. It is dark, gloomy, and rainy outside. I just dropped my baby off at daycare about an hour ago. He looked so cute in his fuzzy flannel sleeper. Scott dug it out of the closet for him to wear for the first time. Im so happy when Scott takes an initiative with Vins clothing!

It is such an odd thing to drop off your baby for another woman to take care of all day while you go an answer phones at some office building. That is America in the 21st century for ya or whatever century we are in. I know Vin is in good hands, sometimes I think he is in better hands than my hands. It is such exhausting work taking care of a baby all day. But he is so adorable and I crave to be with him when I am not. It is amazing that in my 29 years here on earth I really learned nothing about being a mother. I had to figure it all out on my own. Much of it is instinctive, but Im sure it would have helped to have some lessons on when babies sleep and what they do. OH well Im worrying to much.

I have to get my breastfeeding method back in order. Im feeling underconfident about it again. Im worried that Im not taking good enough care of my health, and thus my milk supply is not tip top. I know I need more water, less caffine, and better nutrition. Im also trying to make sure my pump is working how it should and my routine is working how it should. Im expecting a call from a Milkworks about how my Prozac could effect my milk supply. I need to have more contact with nursing mothers!!

I talked to Andrea last night, and it kind of made me sad that she said she doesn't always feel very comfortable telling me how she is feeling. Well actually I knew that already. Im trying not to read too much into it. It is really a big step that she told me. She is really struggling to make it through her lonliness from missing Michael. It is really hard to have a long distance relationship with her because I miss seeing her. But I wasn't very good at it when she was close. I guess we are doing the best we can. The "crazy" side of me worries that Im losing out, and Ill never be able to have close relationships with people. I feel so fake sometimes. I need to keep working with Teresa through these feelings to see if I can get past some of this shit. Why do I feel like I can not be myself around other people? Why do I feel like I have to be guarded or fake when Im talking to others. Like I have to protect them. Like being myself isn't good enough?