I went to my support group this weekend! It was great! It was the third time I had been there since vinster was born 4 months ago. I have finally come to terms with the fact that this is what I need in my life. I am not done learning from my counselor Teresa and my support group. Bridgit the leader of the support group is awesome! I even thought this weekend, what if I just committ to one more full year of support group every weekend and seeing Teresa about every other weekend or so and not worry at all about how much it costs. I will pay it when I can. OKay I will toy with the idea, but that is pretty much what I am committing to.
The gals in my group are getting together at a coffee shop tonight and I am going. It will be great. I will try to post some notes from group this week, or some thoughts I had. Basically the homework is to catch myself when I am caught thinking in the past or future. I thought even better if I actually catch myself when I am caught up or immersed in the present moment. I was really starting to think about in group how one's "mind body connection" happens only in the present. you can't have a connection with your body and mind if you are caught up in the past or future. Your body is in the now, the present.
A couple of other great events that happened this weekend were that Scott, Vin and I went out to eat with some friends at a great Indian restaurant the weekend called The Peacock. Yummy. And later that evening Scott, Vin, and I went and had dinner at a friends house. It was sort of a dinner party. Fun. I was so glad that I was open for all this to happen. In the past my emotions, and self doubts, and lack of positive energy wouldn't have allowed for all of this to happen in one day.
There were a few negative emotions or energys for me to be aware of this weekend. I believe Scott and I did very well this weekend. We got along well. I didn't freak out. For a couple moments, I almost started to let the messy house get to me, but I stopped myself. I am challenging myself to make it more than a week since the last time a freaked out. I know I can do it!!
I did have some food issues, nothing extreme. Amazingly on Saturday, the food was not the issue. Instead of focusing on food I focused on the people and conversations. (Anyone with a 4 month old understands how this is not 100% entirely possible) but I tried my best and was genuinily glad to see friends!! I did have a few negative feelings in this regard, self doubt, questioning myself and whether people really like me. It was like reverting to my teenage self. I replayed some of the conversations in my head. But overall the enjoyableness totally overshadowed any of the self doubts I later had. Yeah for me!
Both Friday and Sunday evenings I sort of felt obsessed with food. I almost felt scared that I wanted to start eating and eating and not stop. Tom brought a really fancy decadant fudge cake to the dinner party........I kept thinking about it all weekend. I did have a good size piece of it, and I am glad I did, I think I would have been worse off if I didn't -- unsatisfied. I managed to make it through Sunday evening drinking a couple diet sodas and popcorn and a couple tootsie pop (plus dinner) to curb my munchies.
Last night I dreamed about weight and food for the first time in along time. ( I think I even dreamed about contemplating whether I would purge or not) I actually took a moment this weekend to think about the last time I purged, the actual sensation of the vomit coming up. I often don't remember that. Teresa says I need to relate those memories to "grossness" or "disgustingness". I dreamed about binging, ice cream cakes, etc. etc. I dreamed that I was totally unsatisfied with my body. And I dreamed about a skirt/top outfit I had in middle school that I loved. I haven't thought about it since. Maybe I will touch more on this later. I know that my body image can change drastically from day to day. One day I will feel great about my body. .. thinking "Wow not bad" then the next day I will notice how it feels when my thighs rub together, and a will make a negative judgement. Thankfully the positive days totally outweigh the negative. someday I will say "wow megan, you are one hot momma".
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