The Daring of Having no Enemies - Pema Chodran

Whether it's ourselves, our lovers, bosses, children, a local Scrooge, or the political situation, it's more daring and real not to shut anyone out of our hearts and not to make the other into an enemy. If we begin to live like this, we'll find that we actually can't make things completely right or completely wrong anymore, because things are a lot more slippery and playful than that. Everything is ambiguous; everything is always shifting and changing, and there are as many different takes on any given situation as there are people involved. Trying to find absolute rights and wrongs is a trick we play on ourselves to feel secure and comfortable.

another day another dollar

today is a new day. a new beginning, a chance for me to start over. I have been feeling like crap the last week. I got really sick & it really got to me mentally. I sometimes start to let myself believe that my world is starting to spin out of control. It scares me to think of how little control I really have, how so much is left to fate or chance or good luck. But I have to start to believe that if I consistently work hard and plan and be smart about things, I can have a big affect on my future. and if I work hard then I can take time to relax and enjoy my life and be very grateful for what I have. I never relax, I'm always in a frenzied state. I feel I have really let down my family. I want to be the best I can be for them and especially Vin.

My school plans have change, I have a big deadline coming December 1 at Metro Community College in Omaha. I need to get immunization records for SCC and their start date is pushed forwards to spring 2012

My goals with Vin are still the same.
Here are my goals as a mom

1. get along with scott and treat him respectfully
2. Be patient and calm with Vin
3. Laugh with Vin
4. provide healthy consistent meals and snacks for Vin
5. dance and play with ViN
6. Continue to work towards my goal of becoming a nurse & spending more time with vin
7. Write down notes about Vin

I haven't been doing any of these this week. I have let them all go by the wayside.
My biggest obstacle know is trying to find a way to get Vin to watch less TV in the morning, that means me getting up and playing with him in the morning. And me cleaning and setting up our house so it is more accessible and exciting for Vin to play.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

UUgh I'm sitting here at my desk wondering how I'm going to make it 7 more hours. How in the world have I made it for 5 years at this job. My stomach is churning, my mind is racing.... how am I going to do it. I should be with Vin. I crave to be with him. Sometimes this feeling goes away & I accept my fate for a few hours or days, but not this morning. It is not natural for a mom to be away from her baby for so long. It does not settle well in body or soul. I must must must find a way to keep on with my plan to become a nurse. Then while I'm in school or a NA or LPN I can at least not have to work 8-5 and maybe come up with a schedule that allows me more flexibility or time with Vin. And for sure if I'm an RN I can work less than 40 hours and still earn plenty of money. I will rid myself of the jealously I feel towards the stay at home moms I know. One in particular, how does she do it? I have to remember she doesn't have student loans to pay, a house payment, a car payment.
Here is my plan thus far:
1. Stay at UNL through Dec so I can have Thanksgiving off, Christmas off, and New Years, plus my 3rd paycheck in Dec to pay off all medical bills
2. Apply to SCC ASAP
3. Look for NA jobs ASAP in Jan, hopefully begin in Feb.
4. start LPN school in fall or winter 2011 (Oct or Jan)
5. work as LPN by Oct or Jan 2012



Here are my goals as a mom

1. get along with scott and treat him respectfully
2. Be patient and calm with Vin
3. Laugh with Vin
4. provide healthy consistent meals and snacks for Vin
5. dance and play with ViN
6. Continue to work towards my goal of becoming a nurse & spending more time with vin
7. Write down notes about Vin

Friday Again

Well its Friday again! A little break from the daily 8-5. Today as I was leaving the house Vin said "No work mom?" & thank god I got to say "Yes vin, I get to stay home with you tomorrow!". Then he turned his head to look at the TV & I hustled out the door, trusting is father to take good care of him and deliver him to his babysitter.

Vin woke up at 6 this morning and I got to snuggle with him for over an hour. He went back to sleep for a bit then tossed and turned and scratched my chest as he usually does. Then he slowly woke up and was instantly happy and excited. He gathered his stuffed animals around him ... his huskie, mamma ruff, racoon. He talked about the huskie being a wolf and made a howling noise. Vin is really into foxes and wolves, he's really intrigued by them. All stemming from T.V. One of his favorite shows 'Dora the Explorer' has a character named 'Swiper' that is a fox. And the other day Vin saw a version of the three pigs and the big bad wolf. Now he likes talking about big bad wolves and huffing and puffing and blowing your house down. Much of his imagination and life involves what he sees on T.V. I can't really help that, he watches TV at daycare and some at home. I try my best to get him to do other activities when I'm with him in the evenings. We didn't watch TV at all last night. Yeah!

As Vin was waking up and moving his stuffed animals around, he mentioned "candles" & we started talking about birthdays and blowing out candles. And he said "happy you mom". I realized he must have had a dream about candles. He took a couple bites of a crayon last night & the waxy taste might have reminded him of tasting the candles from my birthday cake. Of course he said he dreamed about B's birthday. He always says he dreams about Mena & B.

I love that little guy so much!

I just read through all of my old blog posts. I am so happy I kept some record of Vin's early years. One's memory is truly faulty. I know when I'm 90 all I will be able to remember is how having Vin was the greatest joy of my life.

Oh how I love reading those tidbits of the first year of Vin's life. The few times I wrote about visiting him over my lunch hour at Lynns' house and the joys and worries of breastfeeding. I wish I would have written more but I should be thankful for what I did write on the blog and in his baby book.

One other thing I realized after skimming my old posts is that I had a dream about wanting to purge this week, about eating some fattening foods, not really a binge but then thinking about purging. It was just a dream. It was the first time I had a dream like that in several months. THIS IS A GREAT SIGN!! SUBCONCIOUS PROGRESS! I am proud of myself. ED is slowly fading away forever. I don't eat alot before bed so I'm sure that helps. Now I just have to work on upgrading my nutrition.

Here are a few of Vin's ALMOST complete sentences from the last week or two...
"Me shake me bootie"
Darn I can't think of anymore right now, but I will later!!
Everything starts with "ME" now

WEDNESDAY WITH KIM

I miss Vin so much today. Probably because I didn't get enough sleep last night. I stayed up until 11:30 cutting slit ends on my hair and looking and reading Jenna Jameson gossip on the internet, eating Wheat Thins. STUPID. I wonder when I will grow up?

Then I went into Vin's room at 2 a.m. & slept with him the rest of the night. This I don't regret. I will not alow myself to regret co-sleeping. I do sometimes think I should feel guilty or start thinking negatively But I love cuddling with Vin so much. How can this be bad, time spent next to each other resting. I know I can't do it forever but for now while he is two I think it is okay.

He is the sweetest little guy, everyday my heart should swell with gratefulness, and love and compassion because I have been blessed by this wonderful little man. But somedays I get down. I feel so sorry for myself. I let fear overtake me. I doubt myself and let my mind overflow with negative thoughts. That is why I'm trying to type on this blog everyday, to remind myself how lucky and blessed I am. As my counselor has explained to me the pyschical act of typing this out can trigger my mind to change. The physical act of doing nice things for myself, of having interesting, fun, engaging activities and experiences can trigger my mind to change. I have worked hard this far in my life to by the best I can be, to do the best with what I have been born with but I know I can work harder. Again this momement I will recommit to strive harder each day to be a better person and lead a more fulfilling and quality life. For Vin and for myself. The main steps I can do now are to 1) Stop surfing the internet at work, use my time for quality reading 2) NUTRITION!!! 3) follow through with my CNA plans 4) reach out to other people.

Now as the title of my post alludes to, I'm going to reminisce about yesterday evening. Kim came over to eat supper with Vin and I. Vin is really warming up to her and becoming more of a social being altogether. He is moving toward the age where he is really starting to interact and appreciate other people, past the naricisitic toddler period. He is absolutely in love with Grandpa John and the idea of Grandpa John right now. He was inlove with Granpa Rich but he can not say "Rich" yet or doesn't try .... just "Ganpa". He actually talked to uncle Ryan last weekend and last night he wouldn't leave Kim alone. It was "Kim this" and "Kim that". He wanted to show her everything. Last week when she came over I realized he was really warming up to her. She was telling wonderful make believe stories about a monkey in her washing machine and Vin loved it. He even leaned into her a couple times on the couch and touched her leg. But last night he was really into saying her name and calling for her over and over. It was cute! She looked at his stickers and coloring book, looked at his toys, and even finger painted with us!

It is so wonderful for me to have a great friend like Kim to come over to the house for dinner. She is the only person that comes over besides Vin's grandparents and Scott's bandmates. April, Carolyn, & Rasmia came over a few times this year & I had the garage sale, but that seems to be a thing of the past. I know it is so important for Vin's social development. I want people to know him and see how wonderful he is. Kim has been such a dedicated friend to me. Weve known each other for over 3 years. She is the best friend I have. I want to continue to be a good friend to her and show her how much her friendship means to me. I want Vin's life to be full of friends and people that he cares about & that he knows care about him!! His grandparents are a vital part of his life right now. And I'm excited that Andrea will be moving back to Nebraksa. I'm very often doubtful of my social skills and dissappointed in the lack of friends that I have and thus Vin's lack of friends. But this does not reflect at all on Vin. He has such a bright and shining personality I need to be confident in the fact that he is his very own person and will grow and develop into a unique individual with the potential for so many different opportunites. I will love him now matter what he does or doesn't do and I'm very confident his father will too. I'm lucky to know this. No matter how much his father and I disagree or annoy or disapoint each other I have complete faith in Scott's unconditional love for Vin. I need to think of this everyday and be grateful. What a good feeling!!

Okay well enough of this run on paragraph. Bottome line. Chin up Megan!!

If you observe a really happy man you will find him building a boat, writing a symphony, educating his son, growing double dahlias in his garden. He will not be searching for happiness as if it were a collar button that has rolled under the radiator.
W. Beran Wolfe

evening at the park

Last night Scott had band practice promptly at 5:30 so I decided to take Vin to McDonalds so we wouldn't be in the throws of the band practice. Then Vin and I decided to take the food to the park instead. We had lots of fun at Van Dorn park. Vin drank a bottle of chocolate milk, a few fries, a few bites of hamburger, and chicken nuggets. Not the healthiest but I do what I can do. I will work harder on nutrition.

We sat on the ground by a tree by the highway on the late August browned grass. There was a strong warm breeze that threatened to blow our McDonalds wrappers away. Vin had never really had a picnic before and seemed to be enthused. He remembered falling off a picnic table 2 weeks ago and injuring is arm so the table was not and option. He enjoyed watching ants crawling all over the tree we were next to and didn't seem to pay much attention to the food as usual. He was concerned when the hamburger wrapper blew away and I went to chase it. I knew I needed to set a good example as far as not littering in the park.

When Vin finally decided he was done with the food after about 10 minutes, we got up to walk around. My goal was to distract him from the slide. With his broken arm it would not be good for him to climb up although that was his absolute favorite part of the park. One of the only parts as well. Slides seem to be the major attraction to most kids. Has we headed over to the equipment area of the park Vin was distracted by a big patch of dirt and said outloud "dirt". I didn't know exactly what we could do with it but I just like to help Vin explore. It was a big hard patch of dirt from some construction work that had been done earlier that summer. I found a few sticks and tried to stick them in or dig with them. Vin got interested as well. We sat down by a tree next to the dirt. Then I noticed the crispy locust shells all around the tree. I excitedly showed them to Vin. He and i are amazed by all types of animals and bugs. I am always excited to show them to Vin. His enthusiasm and awe are so contagious to me. At first he was a little weirded out by the locust. I tried to explain that they were dead and fell from the trees. I used their little claws to hook one to my shirt. Vin smashed it with a stick. I told him that "he saved me". Vin kept repeating it "Me saved you". WE did it several times. Then I stuck a locust on Vin and he did the same thing. He ended up touching the locust shell. I like exposing Vin to new things, especially nature.

Then he noticed the slide again, I had to distract him by getting him to go with me to the bathroom. he is always intrigued by this outdoor bathroom as we walk past. He remembered where it was and was eager to guide me to it. He went inside with me while I peed. There was and slight echo inside the cement building and Vin noticed. Somehow he started thinking of one of his favorite animals - a fox. Maybe he thought one might sneek in or appear beings we were in a wooded area. He got a little scared and ran to my legs. Very cute. I reassured him we would be okay and there were probably be no foxes.

I had to deterr him from the slide once again. I actually had to pick him up and take him away. He loves the slide so much and we have spent so much time on that slide. Poor little guy, I tried to explain to him that when his arm got better he could go back on the slide. It might not be until October but Im sure well get in some good slide time then.

I remembered we had sidewalk chalk in the car and thought it would be fun to use it in the park. I mentioned it to Vin and he liked the idea. We made our way slowly back to the car. I got out the container of chalk and he carried it. He want to go back to the equipment area so we slowly walked down the path. I convinced him on a certain area of the cement path to sit down and draw. I really like drawing with chalk as well, it is soothing and creative. I try not to out shine Vin's scribbles and lines and to include him in my drawings. He really likes to draw and first mentioned drawing a farm. Then we worked on a couple houses and a truck. HE got up and hopped on the drawings seeming like Lynn had taught him about hop scotch. It was really nice to be in the park. We were all alone and the late summer noises were all around us. It was getting close to 7pm and the day was cooling off. Although the park is by the highway, its a large park with lots of trees and some farmland to the side. Its very pleasant there.

Towards the end of our evening at the park, as I was trying to coax Vin to the car, I pretended to hide behind a tree (as my father always did). Vin thought it was great fun and we spent several minutes going around one treeing "Booing" each other. The more surprised I acted the more fun he had. Then we went to another tree and did the same. Vin talked about "seek" as I'm sure Lynn has tried to get the kids to play "Hide and Seek". I got Vin to go to another tree and another. He said "Me like that tree" I was so proud of him! I told him there were a bunch of trees. He found pine cones and repeated the word bunch, he said "bunch of cones". Again I was proud of him.

To his father and I, Vin is absolutely the most precious, loving little boy in the world. It is a miracle that he came from us.

the weekend at grandparents

It has been so long since I last posted. Vin was hardly talking at all. Makes me so nostolgic to realize how quickly time has gone. He talks in almost complete sentences now. I crave for 5:00 each day when I can go and spend time with him. I'm going to focus on the fun positive aspects of my life on this blog & use it to remember the great stuff that Vin does.
Vin broke his arm 2 weeks ago. Poor little guy. He fell of a picnic table bench. I didn't realize right away how serious it was so I waited almost a week to take him in. Scott and his babysitter decided it was really serious. Now he has been wearing a sling for a week & needs to continues to wear it for several more. He can't climb up slides like he loves doing. He has been a trooper and has not complained much about wearing the sling and wrap.

Yesterday was my bday & Vin and I went to Omaha and spent the night with Gandma & Gampa. Grampa John came and visited on Sat. night. as well as Ryan & Chelsea. It was a wonderful time. I had such a nice time & I know Vin did too. It started out by Vin playing a harmonica duet with Grandpa Rich. They played for several minutes stomping their feet and playing at the same time. Then when Grandpa John showed up he brought Vin a toy piggy bank which he liked. The weather was really beautiful as it always is in late summer. Windy and warm. All of the flowers are still alive and beautiful. We all went inside, mom cooked a scrumptuous dinner. As we were waiting Grandpa John and Vin sat in the porch watching Ira the cat and the neighbor boys playing outside. Vin talked Grandpas leg off & loved every minute of it. Vin loves all his grandparents. I love it when Vin gets to spend time with my parents, he loves them so much and they love him.

It was really nice to see Ryan and Chelsea as well. They make a great couple. Chelsea is a really sweet girl. Ryan makes us all laugh. Vin really warmed up to Ryan calling him Uncle. On Sun evening, Vin said "Uncle baby trains" or something like that, first time he addressed Ryan on his own. Ryan played so well with him and made him laugh with funny faces. Mom, Rich, Ryan, Vin, and I had a great time going to the Omaha Botanical Gardens. It was warm and beautiful out by the MO river. We road a tram through the park. Vin wanted to find a camel or a fox but was satisfied with the tram and later a miniture train display. Vin was so patient not to touch the trains even though he was dieing to.
Vin was such a trooper this weekend. He was so happy and fun even though he had to have his hand in a sling. He only got grumpy during meal times and when his nap was late. and when Grandpa John left. He's obsessed with visiting Grampa Johns house. He really likes going to peoples houses or at least the idea of it. He says 'Gandpa Johns house now". He also loves Grandma Sue and Grandpa Riches house. We always have such a nice time when we go there & I wish we could stay so much longer.

Vin is the love of my life!

It is so amazing watching Vin grow and learn. He is learning several new words a week now. This week I heard him say "poop" and "nose". This adds to the list of his favorites.... "truck" (which actually comes out 'cuck' or 'guck') "pease" for "please", "shoes", "Jo-JO" for "georgia' "mama"& "Dada" of course, "baby", "pop", and several others